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Who to Befriend at Spartan Basketball Games

 

It’s that time of year again; time to shuffle out of the cold and into the ole Bres to cheer on some excessively tall Spartans. Of course, nobody wants to do it alone, so pull on your Mr. Roger’s cardigan, because it’s about to get friendly in here.

 

The Lone fan Whispering to the Players from The Ozone:

Maybe you’re a freshman. Maybe you weren’t feeling the whole Hoth vibe The Campout always seems to have. However you got here, the fact is that you’re stuck squinting at what looks like ants chasing after the last Cheetos Puff, and now you’re just a hungry freshman without Cheetos Puffs. Let’s add a friend to this thrilling mix, shall we? Thank goodness the band is miles away so you can hear this magician in his element; this whispering wizard is the ace up Izzo’s Nike-sponsored sleeve. His soft coos are barely audible three feet from his lips, but an enthusiastic fist pump after a successful play proves he’s the brains of the operation. We haven’t seen puppeteering this good since ‘NSync’s “Bye Bye Bye” music video, and that was really something. In reality he is pulling the entire team, and it’s time we showed him a little respect.

 

That Guy in a Bear Suit:

A bear in the Bres; now who wouldn’t want to hear that story? Was his father Yogi, or was he bitten by a radioactive bear? Word on the street is he can climb trees just like a bear, he drinks water out of the Grand River, and he sometimes eats fish. Wow! If there’s not a heart of gold in there, we don’t know what there is! Probably a deep, burning desire to end forest fires. Or a less flammable desire.

 

WARNING: Don’t mention the Berenstain Bears. He hates that shit, and will go to his grave saying, “That Brother Bear is a candy-ass.”

 

Whoever Puts Down those Brown Paper Bags before the Game:

A true Samaritan. Who is this mystery man? Does he hide in the shadows during the game, eating a lunch he carried here cradled in his arms since all the brown paper bags were used to honor the beloved, tall man’s game? Nah, he doesn’t waste time brown bagging it, he’s gotta keep it fresh with that Tupperware. He’s probably got mom’s spaghetti up the wazoo, and not the projectile Eminem kind. If you want a brown banana, you can carry your sorry ass elsewhere. As Humphrey Bogart once said, “I think this non-moldy food is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

 

The Basketball:

What a social butterfly. This fella loves interaction, and is a real item for the lads and lasses; they can’t keep their hands off him. This guy knows how to score, is not too huge on traveling, but he’ll pretty much roll with anything. He likes to make stupid jokes like he’s “having a ball,” but once that comedic cover deflates, you really get to see what brought Tom Hanks and Wilson together.

 

Snatch up these one-of-a-kind compadres while they’re hot; we’re sure you’ll be burning couches together in no time! Happy Hunting!

 

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