College football is back and after Michigan State’s best season in our lifetime, East Lansing can’t wait. However, with a new season comes new challenges. Our fearless leader Mark Dantonio has to be politically correct and give quotes like “one week at time” and “everyone is a threat,” so we’ll go through and explain why we’re better than each team we’ll play this year—no holds barred.
Jacksonville State (8/29): Your team name is the Gamecocks. And we’ll be damned if Mark Dantonio is going to let us lose to a bunch of dicks.
Oregon (9/6): Oregon gets the spotlight that Michigan State deserves because of their flashy uniforms and high-powered offense, but here in the Big Ten we know that it’s defense that wins championships. We don’t need all the glitz and glam that the prima donnas that Oregon has, it just makes those softies easier to manhandle.
Eastern Michigan (9/20): This game against Michigan misfits gives us the opportunity to beat up on the school that 75% of University of Michigan fans actually attend, instead of the school they pretend to go to.
Wyoming (9/27): We didn’t even know there are actually enough people in the state of Wyoming to warrant a college. We anticipate Wyoming running out of the tunnel, seeing 75,000 in green screaming at the damn hermits, and then collectively shitting themselves. The Cowgirls will be too distracted by the poop in their pants to focus for the rest of the game.
Nebraska (10/4): Historically Nebraska has been a tough team for us to beat– think of the Hail Mary a few years ago. But Spartans never back down from a fight, and Nebraska too, shall fall. Then those ‘Huskers can return to Nebraska to sit and spin on the endless amounts of corn flowing through their godforsaken state.
Purdue (10/11): We only beat them 14-0 with one of those touchdowns being a returned interception. NO FLY ZONE, BITCH. Purdue hasn’t come close to being relevant since they had Drew Brees, and he’s like, our dads’ age now.
Indiana (10/18): Indiana doesn’t even know why they have a football team. Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney just keeps some scrubs in crimson and cream because if he kicks the Hoo-cares out, Urban will yell at him for taking away an easy win, and Delaney doesn’t like being yelled at.
Michigan (10/25): Do the Wolverines still have an obese guy with bitch tits who has absolutely no qualifications to coach a Big Ten team running their program? Yeah? Ok cool. Have fun in Pat Narduzzi’s House of Horrors, aka our defense.
Ohio State (11/8): We were already better than O-H-I-O before Braxton Miller got injured. We’re the only team in the Big Ten that isn’t afraid of Urban and his SEC sense of unentitled arrogance. Enjoy another Papa John’s pizza on us, Urban.
Maryland and Rutgers (11/15 and 11/22): Why are these teams in the Big Ten? In 2013 Rutgers went 6-7 in a conference that had Connecticut, South Florida, Memphis and Temple in it. Maryland went 7-6, and Duke won its division. DUKE! How many points combined will they score against MSU, 6?
Penn State (11/29): After taking the beating of a lifetime at the hands of men, Penn State will run to the showers like the scared little boys that they are. (Too soon?)
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