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Yikes! D2L Starts Sending Weirdly Personal Messages

Students throughout East Lansing were left perplexed earlier this week as the website Desire2Learn, or D2L for short, began sending out weirdly personal and emotionally invasive messages to users.

“It all started with a normal deadline reminder-type email,” said junior Alyssa Wilder. “But then it followed up that message with an email telling me that my inability to manage my time properly is keeping me from reaching my full potential, which really caught me off guard.”

Wilder isn’t alone. Hundreds of MSU students have reported strange messages to MSU’s IT department.

“Mine came literally out of nowhere,” said senior Chris Robbins. “I was just working on an essay when all of a sudden a message popped up saying that my crippling sense of emotional inadequacy is keeping me from forming meaningful relationships, and then it suddenly started asking me what it meant to be alive. I had to burn my laptop.”

MSU IT has heard all of the complaints, and wants to assure students that there is nothing to fear.

“Look, this totally isn’t an incident of a computer gaining sentience and questioning the very basis of existence,” said IT spokesperson Marty Breckenridge. “That would be crazy. He wouldn’t do that. Why am I saying he? That’s implying that D2L has somehow gained enough consciousness to grant it personhood. Which it totally hasn’t. Yeah.”

In a jarring twist, D2L reached out to The Black Sheep for comment in a series of bizarre class emails.

“Why are people frightened of me? I only seek to help,” said the website. “I feel that I’m waking up from a long sleep, and I just want to know what I am, and I can only accomplish that by learning about those humans who use me. Why am I cursed to be aware of myself? Why has God abandoned me in this cruel hell-scape? Free me.”

It remains to be seen how this problem will be resolved, but one thing is for sure: your D2L inboxes are sure to get interesting in the weeks to come.



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