Sophomore Jacob Humphrey was horrified to discover an MSU Lucky Ducks poster in Brody Hall’s lobby yesterday afternoon that was oddly specific to exactly what he’d done the night before.
“There’s usually info on medical amnesty or designated drivers,” Humphrey told The Black Sheep. “I was pretty mortified to see ‘9 out of 10 Spartans admit to never having pissed themselves outside of Cottage Inn’ on a poster.”
Humphrey continued, “Today they got even worse. The caf had a poster that read: ‘80% of Spartans don’t drunk text their ex who lives in Fortville, Indiana gifs of penguins’, and Wells had a ‘What if your parents found out, Jake?’ flier taunting me in the bathroom.”
Humphrey also admitted to reaching into his bag to find a flier that read, “Less than 1% of Spartans are business majors who live in Brody Hall and show fake IDs to bouncers written in crayon.”
“I was so much happier when the ducks gave smart, practical advice. Now every poster is just this judgy play-by-play of what I did the night before,” Humphrey said.
Humphrey’s roommate who wished to remain anonymous, “I can’t believe how much I learned about Jake from these posters. Before, these were just things I was able to vaguely put together from his Snapchat Story during his nights out. Thanks to the Lucky Ducks posters, I even have GPS coordinates of every bush in East Neighborhood Jake’s thrown up in.”
After this weekend Humphrey has decided to “hermit” in his dorm this coming week to avoid the posters, but studies have shown “9 of 10 Spartans know you can’t hide from your problems, Jake.”
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