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10 Steps to Ann Arbor-izing Your Lame Home Town

 

 

Do you find yourself constantly missing Ann Arbor? Would you give anything for a meal in South Quad dining hall or perhaps an overpriced drink at Garage Bar? Well, you’re in luck! Here are the 10 ways to bring all of those Ann Arbor-isms and more to your lame ass hometown.

 

10.) Bring home a bartender from Jug:
The very best way to bring Ann Arbor to East Bumblefuck Pennsylvania, Chicago, or West Bloomfield is to casually ask one of Jug’s best bartenders to stay with you the summer and make you shitty long islands whenever you want! Make sure they bring a couple bags of frozen French fries as well, you know, Jug drunchies.

 

9.) Tailgate in your backyard:
Don’t have a backyard? Tailgate in your driveway. Get all your closest friends (unless you live in Ohio and have OSU friends), get some Costco boxed wine, blast Closer, put on a gross amount of maize and blue and day drink at 8 a.m. for no good reason! Tailgating in the summer when there isn’t even a football game to go to? Why not, you never made it to the games anyway.

 

8.) Make homemade feta bread:
How hard can it really be? Take some pizza dough, add a disgusting amount of multiple cheeses (and feta obviously), and stick it in your oven. Drunk, sober, high – it tastes so good in every state.

 

7.) Erect a large spinning cube in your front yard:
Is this an absolute pointless thing to do? Yes, yes it is. Are you bored out of your mind in the middle of nowhere New York state? Yes, probably. Will it make you feel like you’re back hoMe in AA? Yes, yes it will.

 

6.) Capture a few Ann Arbor squirrels:
Your dog needs a nice, fat domesticated squirrel friend to keep him company while you’re off at your fancy Ross internship, shitty waitressing job, or just day-drinking with a bunch of kids you sort of hate from your high school.

 

5.) Go into a wooded area and pretend you’re in the Arb:
The higher you are, the easier this will be. Bring a bunch of kids who became total hippies at their liberal arts colleges and smoke your way to Ann Arbor. Walk through the woods and pretend that you entered those woods right out of your cockroach infested Markley dorm room.

 

4.) Do a fun, planned out walk of shame:
Sleep at your best friend’s house and make sure you’re wearing men’s boxers and a Michigan t-shirt. Also make sure you don’t drive there, you’re pretty far away from your house, it’s the coldest morning of the summer, you look like death, and you pass by 11 people including your high school calc teacher, your first kiss, and your dad.

 

3.) Recreate Tina Tuesday:
All you need is some weird music from 2012, a bunch of 40 year old strangers, fake tequila, really good tacos, and a rude bouncer to deny any frat boy that thinks they are hot shit. Feels just like home.

 

2.) Put a sacred Diag block “M” somewhere in your house:
Make sure this is really inconveniently placed and difficult to avoid. If anyone accidentally steps on it they have to give you $20 and say nothing but “go blue” for the rest of the day.

 

1.) Send out rejection letters for people’s friendship the same day Ross sends out admissions:
Simply detox your life as easily as Ross detoxes their business school through their cut throat admissions process! Since you’re so rad, people will be just as devastated receiving that rejection letter from you as they are the one coming from Ross.

 

 

 

 

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