Whether you live in an apartment building or not, you’ve been in elevators and seen the hullabaloo that goes down on the weekends. Mention the elevators in conversation and some will complain about how unbelievably slow they are, while others will tell tales of how disrespectfully dirty they can get in one night from all of the drunk, trash-spewing patrons who inhabit them. No matter how filthy or untimely these metal squares of savagery can become, their true glory stems from the people and the stories that linger within their Slurpee-covered walls.
5.) The Exodus:
It can be heard from blocks away. The pent up energy from going to school Monday through Wednesday is released on Thursday nights when the masses flow out onto the streets searching for Ubers to take them to the Promised Land, swept up in the wave of human euphoria. As the doors open, a wafting scent of perfume leaks out and the pregamers look at you judgingly, wondering why you are not going out and what on earth you could be doing with your backpack.
You notice that one girl’s bra is showing and another’s eye-liner is messed up but you don’t say anything and pray that they are going somewhere dimly lit. “Brad you are seriously bae! That mango pineapple Sved you got was Amahhzing!!” says the one with the bra showing. Brad laughs in the back and takes another selfie with her. Finally you get to your floor, wondering where humanity went wrong.
4.) The FaceTime:
You’re in the elevator all by yourself and ready to go up, thanking the elevator Gods that you get to make this trip alone, when out of nowhere, the doors stop closing and that girl from the lobby has shimmied her way into your quiet time. She’s FaceTiming with who you guess is her mom, but then she mentions blacking out last night and throwing up this morning and you’re very confused.
Part of you is secretly hoping that the connection is lost when the elevator starts moving, and the other part wants her to include you in the FaceTime for some reason, or to at least tell her mom/friend that there’s another person in the elevator. She refuses to acknowledge your existence, and when the connection is finally lost, she’s left standing their saying “Betsy? Betsy? Betsy?” and then nothing. She finally gets off at her floor and you wonder if technology will lead to the destruction of our society before global warming ever does.
3.) The Sad Girl:
Ohh no. You get onto the elevator and it’s just you and this girl and she’s definitely crying. It’s not hysterical, but it is noticeable and the more you think about it, the worse you feel for her. She seems so alone, and you have no idea what to say to her. Maybe her dog died, or her boyfriend dumped her, or maybe she failed another econ test.
There’s no one to help her, and as a half-decent human being you feel like you should do something, but there’s not enough time to have a real conversation, so as the doors open and you reach your floor you take a step out and say: “Have a good day,” in the nicest way possible, and then immediately regret saying that and realize you probably just made her feel worse, and that Buddhism probably doesn’t have the answer to why suffering and evil exist in the world.
2.) Your Moment:
This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Finally YOU are the one who’s “lit” in the elevator with your friends and the OTHER PEOPLE have to deal with YOU being awesome. You and your best buds are cracking jokes, laughing, looking all cool to the kid in the back of the elevator. It doesn’t matter if the two girls in the corner think you’re cool or not because you feel cool. What a great night. What a great life! It doesn’t get much better than this.
1.) The Return:
The night is coming to a close and you just want to get back to your bed and go to sleep, but those very same people you saw venturing out into the night are now back and only half-conscious. They reek of alcohol, and one girl somehow got dirt all over her knees and dress. You don’t ask questions, you just hope that nobody pukes on you. Drunk guy leans over to his friend and says “Yooooo that Wendy bitch was totally tryna hook up tonight! Why didn’t you do it?” And his friend says “I don’t know bro, I’m just so done with her.” “What do you mean? She’s hot!” “Yeah, but she’s like, not 100% percent single right now.”
The doors open and they stumble out onto their floor, while you wonder if true love actually exists or if it’s just something people talk about, like Shetland ponies or the economy.