We all know how incredibly fun Snap Maps can be. Spotting your friend’s Bitmoji dressed in a dragon costume hanging out at Pancheros, and seeing your roommate’s avatar standing in the middle of North U for hours, patiently waiting to be hit by a blue bus because she’s a #brokebitch, are some of the best things in life. But, it can also be terrifying, and for that, we’ve compiled the groups of people you don’t want together at 3 a.m. on Snap Maps in Ann Arbor:
7.) Schlissel and Your Dear Sweet Mother, Still at Rick’s:
‘Ol Schliss daddy is probably probing her mind as we speak, although is that really such a bad thing? Your mom has killer bargaining skills. Remember when you saw her leave the antique market with a beautiful lamp, novelty tea cups, and a new ivory urn for grandma’s ashes, all for $80? Let them go — maybe she can persuade him into lowering tuition prices back to normal levels.
6.) Your Best Friend and Your Super Hot Geology GSI at Her Apartment:
She sent you snaps of them at Skeeps earlier in the evening, sipping those concerningly cheap Long Islands, and now this?!! She knew you were mentally planning your wedding and filling out Punnett squares to predict how many kids you and your sexy GSI would need to have until one of them inherits his perfect icy blue eyes.
5.) Stephen M. Ross and the CEO of Crocs:
PLEASE GOD NO. I bet they’re scheming to give Ross students something else to brag about: maize and blue, waterproof, foam shoes upon acceptance. Honestly, that might be better for the rest of humanity. That way, you can just look at their feet and run away from the potential interaction, rather than wasting time on introducing yourself and having a very familiar conversation that goes a little like this: “Hi, I’m Sar-I’m in Ross.””
4.) Diag Washboard Guy and the Diag Preacher at Garage Bar:
“WHAT’S THAT?” you yell drunkingly into the ear of the hottie you laid eyes on across the bar. As if it wasn’t loud enough in there, now the space is even more crowded with the sound of preaching backed by a harmonica and washboard medley. There’s no way the bartender will ever hear your order now. I just want another gin and tonic, okay?
3.) Harbaugh, Mark Dantonio, and Urban Meyer at the Ann Arbor Police Department:
They were all spotted at the Big House earlier in the evening, how did it end up like this, IT WAS ONLY A KISS, IT WAS ONLY A KISS. Sorry, tailgate season is upon us. When you saw their Bitmojis earlier, you could see them slowly pacing up and down the football field. My guess is that they were sprint racing each other, and when Harbaugh took first and said, “Take that, Danananantonio!” punches were thrown.
2.) E. Royster Harper and the Michigan Rowing Team at Espresso Royale on State:
They’re probably teaming up to plague your inbox twice as often. Under no circumstance can they be trusted. Pretty soon you’ll start seeing Student Life emails from E. Royster Harper, but you’re taken off the mailing list if you’re under 5’9”.
1.) Ron Weiser and the Ghost of David Dennison in the Diag:
“Why did you have to do me dirty like that, Ron? You know that building was meant to be mine.” “Bruh, but I just like really feel a connection to it, and I had a lot of cash laying about.” “Whatever Ron.” *Shoves Ron, forcing him to step on the M* “Not cool.”
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