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9 Fresh Hells That Every Freshman Will Soon Learn About Michigan

Each and every one of University of Michigan freshman are wide-eyed, full of wonderment, and absolutely, utterly clueless. It’s not their fault; we all remember being there. So in order to prepare their still-developing brains for what’s to come, The Black Sheep has created this all-inclusive list to lessen the let-down. You’re welcome.  

9.) Winter is coming:
There’s a lot of hype around the winter. People from the West Coast, you know what we’re talking about, and it’s warranted. You can get a coat, you get some nice boots, and you can even get some of those heat pouches to stick in your underpants, but nothing and we mean nothing will prepare you for what’s coming. This is why 75% of the female Michigan population migrate to a different college in the winter.

8.) STDs are a legitimate problem on campus:
The dorms give out free condoms for a reason, people. We all took classes in high school and saw the gross pictures, but nobody took it seriously then. You’re swinging in the big leagues now, and those bases are coming at you fast. Keep your wits about you and keep that head on a swivel. If you have any questions, the good people at UHS are a great resource. (Just kidding! Always ask your friends first.)

7.) 1 of 3 of your GSIs are doing porn on the side:
Not a lot of people know this, but it’s actually very organized and systematic within the GSI community. A couple years ago when the story about that Duke girl came out, some people did some digging and found a lot of stuff they shouldn’t. Now, we’re not recommending blackmail by any means, but if your GSI knows that you know that they do porn, that’s some leverage that no amount of studying will give you.

6.) North Campus:
This place literally is Hell. We’ve never been there personally, but we’ve only heard bad things. If you’re a freshman in Bursley, or the other North Campus dorm, you probably did something really bad in a previous life.

5.) Everyone’s smarter than you:
We can only speak from personal experience here, but wow. The talent pool is crazy out here. Get ready to have no idea what’s going on, and then get laughed at. Even that stupid kid who thought Alaska and Hawaii were in the same place, is sneakily an engineering genius. That’s the Michigan difference.

4.) No Chick-fil-A or Taco Bell:
Legend has it that there used to be a Taco Bell in the League, and apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to get rid of it….? Unfathomable. Everyone @DrMarkSchlissel ‏on Twitter and let’s change this. We have a voice.

3.) You’re an adult now:
You’re on your own. Bye mommy, bye daddy, bye Jeremy the Goldfish, bye Mr. Blankenship, your pet capybara! Time to lace up those overalls and do your own laundry for the first time. This is the real world, where people will smoke you on the corner for a pair those Michigan Air Jordans. Like we said: head on a swivel.

2.) You will poop your pants at least twice before graduating:
This is just a sheer numbers thing. If you calculate the amount of times you wake up drunk to go to class and factor in all of the bad food you put into your body, you’ll be lucky if you stay under two. There’s really no shame in it. It happens. If you’re really that concerned about it, we recommend carrying around a spare pair of undies in your backpack. Never hurts.

1.) Well, it’s already your sophomore year:
Yep. It went that fast. Sorry.

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