After rumors swirled around who would speak at commencement next month—among them, Oprah, Michelle Obama, and, hell, let’s say Cardi B (we’ll never real our sources)—we’ve finally found out who will address thousands of grads: Michigan alumnus and Heisman Trophy winner, Charles Woodson. Eh, that’s cool and all, but if we wanted to see Woodson, all we’d need to do is look at the home sidelines during a football game and we’d probably see him. So, let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and live in an alternate reality where these alumni are speaking instead.
5.) Abby Yates (fictional), Ghostbusters: Answer The Call:
We never saw the movie, but if Abby Yates (Michigan alum, we’re assuming that was made clear in the movie) is anything like any other Melissa McCarthy characters, we’d be in for an hour-and-a-half of zany laughs stirred by McCarthy’s physical limitations and biting tongue, capped by a final 20 minutes of seeing her transform into someone she’d never have the courage to become.
4.) H.H. Holmes (deceased), the “great American serial killer of the 19th century”:
Once quoted as saying, “I was born with the devil in me. I could not help the fact that I was a murderer,” Holmes would definitely keep graduates on their toes during commencement. After graduating from U of M, Holmes settled in Chicago where he built the infamous “Murder Castle” (think of it as an conveniently-located AirBnB, but with a zero-star rating and grisly murder in every room). Sentenced to death for nine murders, and thought to have killed hundreds more, Holmes would be a wake-up call for any grads who’s thinking about going off the deep end after graduation.
3.) Stephen M. Ross (immortal, after giving his name to a university building), billionaire:
Rossholes everywhere, rejoice! Your Lord and Savior, Stephen M. Ross, would be one of the most boring commencement picks, but we’re hoping Grandpa Ross slips everyone a $20 bill before they head into the real world. Thanks, Grandpa Ross!
2.) Larry Page (nerd), co-founder of the company that owns you, Google:
Known as one of the co-founders behind the company that will one day control your limbs via app from a control center in Silicon Valley, Page would be able to give us a glimpse into how irrelevant some of majors will become in a fully-automated world. Nice knowing you, [insert your major here]!
1.) Scott Weaver (Internet recluse), was possibly a former professional baseball player?:
We could not find a damn image of the guy, but we did find Scott Weaver on Wikipedia’s Michigan alumni sports page, and when we clicked through to see what he’d done, we were lead to this:
Well, it doesn’t look like Weaver exists, and if he ever did, he’d have a very valuable lesson to teach soon-to-be grads: no matter if you get drafted in the first round of the 1995 MLB Draft, you may not amount to what you wanted to become as a bright-eyed 22-year-old Michigan graduate.
Charles,all we have to say is that you’ve got a lot of expectation going into this. Don’t fuck up.