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The 6 Best Places on Campus to Break Up After Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is here, so every couple out there is probably expressing how in looooooove they are with each other, every single person is scarfing down a jumbo feta bread with extra ranch, and everyone else who is just unsure of which category they fall into. Those who are in a relationship–you can’t just break up before Valentine’s Day because those dinner reservations at Palio and the promise of anal to your boyfriend aren’t about to go to waste, right? So once you’ve gotten everything you wanted on V-Day, choose one of these locations to break it off with your lover:

6.) Ross Starbucks line:
This line is approximately seven years long, so get in there with your significant other and let them know at the beginning of the journey that you’ll be buying them a venti vanilla latte with extra soy and break the news to them that just like Stephen M. Ross, you’ve made a poor investment of your time in them. Once you order, you can continue expressing your “it’s not you, it’s me” lines to them until your coffee is finally ready four weeks later! 

5.) The benches outside of the UGLi:
If you’re not trying to end things super amicably, why not ruin the entire Shapiro Undergraduate Library for your significant other! If you break up with someone on the second floor of the UGLi, they’ll probably only be unable to return to that floor, but if you do it outside, the entire building will be ruined for them!

4.) UMMA:
Take them on a romantic stroll through UMMA and to the most basic “Love is What You Want” artwork and pull out the following line: “Love is what you want, and I don’t want you. Be free, my little pony.” Not only will they be heavily uncomfortable, confused, and irritated that they went to UMMA for this shit, but you can really dramatically walk away as if it’s a scene out of a movie. But, don’t forget ladies–even if your heart just got broken, you can’t miss out on the opportunity for the most basic Instagram: whip out those extra song lyrics and post a breakup Insta to commemorate the one time you tried to be cultured.

3.) The Math Lab:
Nothing says romance like meeting your calc group homework group, so take your significant other to the basement of East Hall and pretend you just really need some help with your webwork. Instead of a romantic math equation (that really soft shit where you can graph a heart on your TI-84), whip out your TI-nspire and type out, “It’s over” and hand it over to your lover. Leave them to cry in the depths of East Hall, where, allegedly, not a single one of their wails will be heard.

2.) North Quad Dining Hall:
Look, you could’ve been brutal and done it in the MLB. Instead, you’re choosing arguably the best dining hall on campus and taking your significant other for a romantic last meal before letting them know your communication isn’t matching your information (because the comm department and school of information are headquartered here…get it?). Finish your delightful meal and embrace the fact that you just spent $13 per person on food that probably came out of corporate America’s asshole.

1.) The church parking lot next to Chi Phi:
Not that any of us are trying to get religious here, but your lover will definitely need a little bit of Jesus once you dump them. Why not take them to the most romantic cut-through spot on campus and let them know your lives of sinning with each other are over? It’s public enough that they can’t cause a scene and murder you in a church parking lot, but private enough that the innocent souls of Ann Arbor’s church scene probably won’t hear you bawling your eyes out during and after the event.

 

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