People are so afraid of Pennywise, but the real murderous villain here is midterm season. Never has Michigan seen so many lives claimed, and The Black Sheep begs you to stay strong for as long as your body is able. Should you decide to succumb to darkness following midterm season, here are the best places to bury yourself at Michigan:
6.) In one of the holes in the diag where a brick is missing:
These holes spotting the diag are the perfect resting place for all of eternity. This is prime real estate for a grave site, especially since the university even turned down Stephen M. Ross, who tried to buy a plot for himself. We understand that this space is very tiny, and will be a tight squeeze, but don’t worry: all you have to do is dislocate your left shoulder and ask a friend to snap your back, and fold all limbs in!
5.) Between the sliding bookshelves in the basement of the Dude:
This will surely be a peaceful resting place. In all honesty, all the students in the basement of the Dude are probably dead anyways (at least mentally). If you decide to be cremated, it’s likely that your ashes will mix with Cheetos dust and sweat droplets from the engineers who call the basement home.
4.) In your recycling bin:
You bought this at the beginning of the school year and put it in the kitchen next to the regular trash can, except your five other roommates always forget which one is the recycling bin and which is the trash. Even after you’ve confronted them three times, they still don’t get it. Prove your point, and place your body in it after you’ve died as a result of your Orgo 2 exam, but be sure to post a “compost” sign before you hop in. At least you read signs!
3.) In one of UMMA’s sarcophagus displays:
Finally, you’ll be treated like royalty. Too bad you have to wait for the afterlife to wear those amazing jewels that you’re buried with. If you want to get super into it, you can have your brain removed, along with other organs, just as the ancient Egyptians did. Let’s be real: that brain is toast after that Calc 3 exam. You don’t want it anyways.
2.) On a BB bus:
End your suffering in the thing that caused you to suffer the most. Try really hard to not crossover into the afterlife so you can haunt freshmen shuttling to Central for their 8 a.m. Spanish class. Whisper horrifying things in their ears, like “OoOOohhh! A table with nooo outlets in the Ugli, oooOOOoo!” Maybe if you’re lucky, Billy Magic will visit you in the afterlife.
1.) 1800 Chem:
This place is notoriously chilly, where students have claimed their nips have caused bodily harm to others. Skeptical about deciding if death is for you? This is the spot. The university will definitely thaw your body in the future to conduct experiments, but just hope they use your body for super-human research or submit your body to the National Micro Penis Museum.
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