Welcome to the return of CSG szn, where we all start to wish that the diag preachers would return, and campaigning is probably more aggressive than the actual U.S. presidential election. If your social media hasn’t been swarmed with a photoshoot in the Law Quad or Ross, get ready for the in-person attacks. Only problem here is, there is no escape. There is absolutely no way to avoid these people, unless you try out some of these excuses.
6.) You have Zika Virus that you contracted over spring break:
So you went to PV for Spring Break, and you contracted Zika in the tequila somehow. It happens! Instead of quarantining yourself, you’ve decided to attend all of your classes since the University has about an eighth of an ounce of sympathy for anyone with an illness (*cough cough* annual norovirus outbreak reactions). Life’s a little hard when you’re actually dying inside and outside, and this could be your last stride through the diag ever. Let your kind CSG campaigner know that they will probably also be dying if they say one more word to you, and you have to make it to psych discussion because you’re out of absences!
5.) Make a scene:
Start freaking out, panting, screaming, or crying if this person tries to approach you. Make as large of a scene as you can and make the “you’re-all-going-to-hell” dude jealous with how much attention you attract to yourself. Scream “FIRE!!!!” for added effect, because let’s be real here: everyone loves a good fire! Make such a scene that DPS will be alerted and campus will be getting a crime alert of the psycho in the diag.
4.) Tell them you’re actually a Russian spy:
Look–you can’t get yourself involved in the petty dealings of this university that are the members of CSG. Everyone knows that the Central Student Government has about as much impact as a fly, and you need to get straight to the source here: the Schlissdaddy. You must let the campaigner know that you know all about his secret operation to rename the Mason/Angell/Haven/Tisch complex to SclissHall. You know the real inner workings of this University, and these CSG campaigners speaking to you is honestly insulting.
3.) You hooked up with every single candidate:
Whatever this campaigner is about to tell you is going to be extremely irrelevant in the emotional crisis you’re having since you’ve developed such a ~personal~ connection to all of the campaigns. It’s hard enough seeing all of your past lovers in the spotlight, but you know your decisions will be based on who ghosted you, who was the best in bed, etc. You don’t have the patience for these dealings with amateurs.
2.) Pretend not to hear them:
As if this isn’t everyone’s current reaction, try a new strategy by approaching them and making actual eye contact. When they start speaking, look really confused and act as though you can’t hear them. Give really shocked looks as if your ears have stopped working spontaneously, and run off in tears as you’ve just lost your ability to hear, making the CSG candidate really uncomfortable once again.
1.) You’re allergic to politics:
You’ll have to break out into a rash somehow with this one, so maybe rub some poison ivy on yourself for added ~effect~ and an authentic look. When the campaigner starts the conversation, show your arms that are probably bright read at this point and keep itching as they’re talking about how we simply NEED more outlets in the Ugli. Let them know it’s contagious, and they’ll probably leave you alone at that point.
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