Now that the non-denominational holidays are winding down (sorry Trump), the greatest juxtaposition of all time is upon us: New Year’s resolution szn and syllabus week at Michigan. Why must two polar opposites fall in the month of January? Isn’t it such a pain to make resolutions like “go to the gym everyday,” “eat healthy,” “stop displaying your alcoholism so publicly,” and “stopping waking up at the Shady Phi chapter house,” only to break them all three days later? Keep those resolutions in check while also making it to your 8 a.m. in the MLB for the only time this semester.
10.) Instead of shots, treat yourself to a nice glass of wine:
You know what nobody has ever done in the history of ever? Ordered a glass of wine at Jug or Charley’s. Have you ever asked to see the wine list? Do they even have a wine list? Who knows, but it’s worth a shot. We don’t think anyone’s ever really gotten that drunk off wine, so this is a good alternative.
9.) Don’t tally your drinks on your hand:
Instead, have a nice classy cocktail before you head out and keep it in the blue. What wholesome fun!
8.) Spend less than $10 at Jug:
A bucket list item to end all wholesome bucket lists. Don’t spend the $50 your weird uncle slipped in your hand at that weird holiday party your family hosts. Instead, pace yourself and stretch that $50 as far as that creepy uncle stretched his arm over your shoulder during the family photo.
7.) Wake up in your bed every morning:
Wake up, sans hangover, all tucked in your bed, wearing your pajamas with all your makeup off, hydrated and well rested! Woah!
6.) Motivate your housemates to go to the IM building everyday
“Oh what fun it is to go/work out when there’s four feet of snow on the ground and it’s 20 below and your friends all hate you for forcing them to join you.”
5.) Instead of late night drunk texting, send a nice wholesome midday sober text:
Forget about “you up”, “wyd”, “come over” at 2 a.m. after you’ve been inside every bar on South U, taken a body shot off of a Ypsi local, and lost your ID. Instead, send a nice midday “how are you!” or “hope your first class was great!,” “Happy Tuesday,” “*insert wholesome emoji*,” “hope your moms doing well!” Don’t let sylly week urge you to text someone late night. New year, new you.
4.) Eat green vegetables:
It may sound simple, but once sylly week get’s started, all hell breaks loose. Don’t fall into the trap of the week-long vodka and pizza diet. Actual greens please, marijuana doesn’t count. (OK, we’ll count it, but you have to bake it into something homemade.)
3.) Listen in your lectures:
It may just be sylly week, but you gotta start paying attention early on instead of promising you won’t peruse Facebook memes next lecture every week. It’ll be a weird feeling taking a midterm and actually knowing some of the material…
2.) Read the syllabus:
There’s an idea! It’s syllabus week, so why don’t you take that “You all can read, so I won’t just recite this to you” from your professor to heart and crack open that syllabus (in addition to a cold one with the boys).
1.) Skip the darty, hit the books!
C’mon now, it’s -48 degrees, your parents will kill you when you get beer sloshed on your Canada Goose, and drinking during the day just may not be as productive as it seems. We’re playing survival here at this point, folks, and the library might just be the warmest spot we can find.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!