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Diag Squirrels Demand Gluten-Free, Vegan, Free-Range Granola Mix

ANN ARBOR – Diag squirrels in the People’s Republic of Ann Arbor have taken after the millennials that
populate the city by demanding gluten-free, vegan, free-range, dairy-free granola mixes.

Chester Nutsy, local squirrel representative, said that “this new program of ours will increase the diversity, equity, and inclusion of all Ann Arbor squirrels.”

While the program is lauded by many, some have their doubts. Chief among the detractors of the program include Mary Markley.

Dining Hall head chef Jose Cucaracha has declared that the program is a logistical nightmare.

“We simply don’t have enough ovens to cook all of that granola,” Cucaracha said. “And even if we did, we would have to get so many specific ingredients. You can’t just pull gluten-free, vegan, free-range, dairy-free granola mix out of your ass unless your ass is also gluten-free, vegan, free-range, and dairy-free. C’mon—USDA regulations are a nightmare.”

Some students have taken to the Diag in support of their furry friends. Catherine Yes, President of the Squirrel Feeding Club, has announced that the club will be selling nuts on the Diag to raise money for the cause.

“These squirrels live here year-round, so they have more of a claim to ask for what they want than students do,” Yes said. “And, with all the rights that they deserve, they should get some gluten-free, vegan, free-range, dairy-free granola.”

As she said this, picked up a bag of nuts, and began to chant, “Who runs the world? Squirrels!”

Even President Marky-Mark Schlissel has commented on the situation.

“I’m sure that we can all come to a proper agreement on this,” Schlissel said. “One thing I want to make sure is that I know that the squirrels understand me. I can work with the university, but I need to know that I can work with the squirrels. They are the most important things here, after all. Understanding is the key to solving all of these issues. Hopefully we can talk about it and maybe we’ll come to an agreement, maybe not. But we talked about it and that’s what matters.”

To this, the entire black student body responded, “lol.” 

Other voices on campus that haven’t been heard too often also offered their opinion on the matter. 

The family of Peregrine Falcons that lives on top of North Quad said that they were heavily in favor of the new granola program.

“This sounds like there’s going to be more food for squirrels, which means more squirrels,” said Patrick and Clarice Falcon. “We moved into this town because it seemed like there was going to be a resurgence. There really aren’t many falcons around here, but it’s nice to see that our move really paid off.”

In talking to Reggie, the unofficial Campus Corgi, it was discovered that he is an animal, so he can’t talk. He does like to chase the squirrels though, so he should be happy that there are going to be more of them.

The squirrels love our podcast! 

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