Is your bathroom really letting you down this year? Do you feel like your bathroom is just simply “average” and not a complete rager at all times? With Greek life lowkey back in action, some of us are just really not getting enough from the ability to enter frat houses again. Acquire these items and soon your lame Markley communal bathroom or your way-too-nice-for-a-college-student private bathroom in your way-too-nice-for-a-college-student high rise will be a frat bathroom in no time!
6.) Roll of toilet paper on floor:
If your toilet paper is usable, you’ve already done it wrong. Make sure your ~full~ roll of toilet paper is sitting on the floor so that people are given false hope when they enter. Nothing better than making every guest, and yourself, “shake” after using your toilet and pray they find a real bathroom ASAP so they can use a real shower.
5.) Empty soap bottle:
More false hope! As a frat bathroom aspiree, you can’t just let your guests be sanitary (ugh!); instead, make sure that your guests enter your bathroom feeling like they have just entered a dungeon of filth. After their hands touch the door handle, they’ll be begging for soap. As a frat bathroom, you simply cannot give the people what they want. Inconvenience them in all ways possible.
4.) 74 drunk girls:
Please acquire precisely 74 drunk girls since they will all somehow find a way to squeeze into this two-by-two foot bathroom and spend about 20 minutes in there screaming about how they just found their best friend and how they’re totally going to all get brunch together and it’ll totally be amazing. If a single person remembered their bathroom BFFs from a frat, brunch in Ann Arbor would actually be unattainable. Get all 74 in there so that they can make memories for a lifetime and cause a line of 74 more angry drunk girls to try to tear down the door.
3.) Guy passed out in bathtub:
A true classic to add to your frat bathroom, there has to be someone passed out in the bathtub. 74 drunk girls (see above) will probably be concerned about him for probably twelve seconds before returning to make brunch plans, but maybe one will even be nice enough to get him a glass of water! This guy simply cannot be fazed by anything that is going on around him, so make sure he is really out for the night!
2.) Showers that are actually used as toilets:
Everyone who has ever been in a frat bathroom knows you can’t just use the toilets—nope, those are probably clogged or broken. Your shower will now have to double as a toilet, which is just, quite literally, a shitshow waiting to happen. Bonus points for girls using your urinals because it’s ~edgy~!
1.) Absolute and utter filth:
To prep for a night with your frat bathroom, you’ll probably have to leave a dead bird in your bathroom to contribute to the scent that will make your eyes burn, as well as drag manure through the floors in order to ensure that there is a consistent layer of brown wetness on the floor that has no clear explanation to it. Double the purpose of the bathroom by making it the trash room and somehow it will still be sustainable and usable after the many years your frat home has shockingly been standing for.
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