You’ve suffered for the past four years, and now the only thing standing between you and taking a gap year on your parents’ couch watching Netflix (or your job at a hot startup in L.A., but you’re not sure because you haven’t heard back yet) is walking across the stage to get your $100,000 piece of paper. You’re a #brokebitch now. Start pinching pennies ASAP by making these DIY graduation gowns with your roommates to wear at the Big House next weekend.
9.) Sheets from toga parties:
Finally, a purpose for those lousy twin XL top sheets from freshman year. TBH, no sane person sleeps with a top sheet. So basically, when you buy a sheet set, you’re getting sheets and material for a hot take on a grad gown. Or maybe another toga, depending on if you pass the watercolor class you took thinking it would be an easy A to fill your CE requirement.
8.) Paper bags from Trader Joe’s so you can officially be a Trader Hoe:
Save your paper bags for the next couple of weeks and tape them all together to make an environmentally-conscious gown. Pro tip: use the bag handles to make a tassel for your cap.
7.) Tarps from frats:
Let’s be real, wearing a tarp to graduation is the best way to honor your past four years of tailgating and raging.
6.) Hammock you stole from that PitE guy you used to fuck last semester:
Definitely a power move. You stopped seeing each other after he lectured you about not knowing the difference between iteroparous and semelparous organisms, which is exactly what he’ll be since no one is ever going to sleep with him again if he keeps that nonsense up.
5.) Your roommate’s bath towel:
One last way to say, “Thanks for nothing.” She’s stolen your bananas, tampons, and boyfriend one too many times. Time to get rid of her once and for all.
4.) An empty pizza box from Cottage Inn:
There are plenty lying around your house to make this last-minute DIY gown. Plus, you’ll smell amazing on graduation day, and everyone will be super jealous.
3.) Your sex blanket:
You’re never going to use it again, or at least admit to having one. Make sure to eat powdered sugar donuts early in the day so the stains aren’t as suspicious in the sunlight. Is it semen? Is it powdered sugar? Not sure, but you missed your mouth either way.
2.) Memes you printed with your leftover printing balance
Honestly, just print the entire history of the UMich Memes for Wolverteens page and wear it proudly. You’ll probably become a meme, though, which is probably what you deserve if you actually do this.
1.) A CVS receipt, since they’re so damn long:
How many CVS receipts does it take to circle the Big House? One. Wrap yourself up in an old receipt, mummy style, and go get that diploma. Just don’t twirl too much.