In a stunning feat sure to challenge social norms, Jake Fisher, a brother of Alpha Beta Xi fraternity, bravely decided to take last Friday night slow. Rather than excessive binge drinking, Fisher took only 12 shots and played century pong once at the pregame, followed by just two fish bowls at the bar.
“Yeah man, I just needed a more chill night this weekend. It’s hard to keep it slow when you have your brothers calling you a pussy all night for only taking 12 shots, but I have work in the morning,” Fisher claimed. “Plus, I’ve had to call Juul customer service like, four times this past week ‘cause I keep losing mine at Skeeps, but tonight I’m gonna keep an eye on it. I even engraved my frat letters on the front.”
Other Xi brothers found what Fisher was doing to be noble and selfless. The majority have not been sober for more than 9 hours since summer began.
“These guys come in every Monday through Saturday at some point,” claimed Rick’s bartender, Max LaFave. “They never tip, like at all, and they’re usually faded off their ass, but it really makes me feel like I’m part of the brotherhood. I feel like I spend more time with them than the houses they mix with.”
Fisher’s girlfriend, Jenny Dominski, has been quite concerned with the house’s drinking habits.
“It’s kind of worrying when half of the house does coke at the pregame to make sure they can last through the night,” Dominski said. “You can’t say you’re ‘taking it easy’ when you already did five lines — that’s just not how it works.”
“I don’t know man, alcohol just doesn’t affect me anymore,” Fisher said, slurring his words. “Besides, when I don’t go out with the bros I get serious FOMO. Preventing liver disease is honestly not worth that.”
With Fisher carefully keeping track of his drinks, he managed to only lose his new Juul twice in one night, a new record low. For the nights that he decides to go as hard as usual, Fisher has decided to start a GoFundMe to finance his ‘daily drinks with the bros,’ since his dad cut his weekly budget to only $1000 a week.
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