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How to do Minimal Work on a Group Project at Michigan

Everyone at Michigan knows that the only thing worse than actually completing an assignment on your own is completing it with a group. If you know anyone in Ross or are maybe even just within proximity of a Ross student, you can probably hear the faint whining of “Ugh, I have a group project meeting” if it’s not drowned out by the louder, “Nice to meet you, I’m in Ross.” If a group project’s got you down, don’t you worry: The Black Sheep is here to rescue you with a handy guide on how to do minimal work on a group project while still getting a good grade (this is still Michigan after all).

5.) The oldie but goodie:
No one can ask you to do your share of work if you can’t even hear the request. Ever been in a super loud bar or frat basement where you had to ask “What?” ten times before giving up and just nodding and smiling? If yes, then congratulations because you already have this strategy mastered! If someone in your group asks you a question, just stare at them like they’re talking a different language or let your eyes wander off to another part of the library like you simply didn’t hear them. They’ll probably feel awkward repeating themselves so many times and just give up on you. You’ve mastered how to do minimal work, and it feels so good.

4.) The ghost: 
Disclaimer: This strategy will never fail, but you might make some enemies in the process. It’s simple—just don’t show up to your group meetings. If you’re yelled at for not attending, start going to meetings, but make sure to wear a cut-up bed sheet as your group project uniform. Don’t contribute to the discussion unless you’re just yelling “boo” every time that member of the group with a visible stick up her butt tries to talk.

3.) The hungover mess:
This strategy works particularly well if your group is meeting up after a day that is acceptable to go out (so any day of the week). Strut over to your group’s table, yawn like there’s no tomorrow, and complain about how hungover you are. You’re probably not even lying. Extra points for wearing sunglasses indoors and rubbing your temples. When anyone tries to talk about the project just hold your head, moan, and look at the ground. Your group will probably leave you alone after that, and if they don’t, just mumble to yourself that you hope you don’t throw up again.

2.) The ditz:
It’s simple science: if people think you’re stupid, they’re not going to want you to do important work that can tank their project grade and potentially their GPA. People care about that shit. Interject “Wait, what?” whenever someone says something super simple. Use the best valley girl accent you can muster. Stare at your phone, zone out constantly, and paint your nails in the middle of the Ugli. No one will trust you with “The Various Applications of Linear Algebra” after you pull this shit.

1.) The shitshow:
This strategy requires minimal effort if you’re already a mess (and if you’re still reading this guide in the middle of your lecture than you probably are). Show up to your group meeting and forget every single one of your belongings. Leave your laptop on a blue bus. Apologize and run from the Ugli like it’s on fire. Show up late to the next meeting, say you slept through your alarm even though it’s 3 p.m., and spill coffee all over everyone’s notes. Apologize again. If your group asks you to do anything, start to fake cry and say you’re having a rough come down from the molly you took the night before.


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