Thanksgiving is over, the holiday season is in full swing, and we couldn’t be happier. You choked down grandma’s dehydrated turkey with the sad gravy she made at Thanksgiving dinner, but now it’s time to face the next life or death challenge: cuffing season. Everyone pretends to hate the idea of casual shagging, but don’t lie to yourself: you know you love cuddling up, watching old episodes of The Office, and dick. Here’s how to find a hookup and get both of those things this cuffing season.
5.) Scour the dorms:
Since Greek life is in the ground (RIP 2017, #NeverForget), all of the new recruits and their presumably attractive friends will have to stick to getting turnt on a Tuesday while sitting under a lofted bed rather than in the game room of Chi Phi. Who knows? If you find the one, maybe they’ll even invite you to their date party that had a venue change to Bursley.
4.) Revive your soul in the ref room:
Find the perfect individual to become your other half deep in the bowels of Hatcher, or the second floor. Look for the person with their head down in the largest puddle of tears in the room, probably sobbing over quickly approaching finals, or the fact that their favorite jeans haven’t fit since they binge drank and drunkenly ate all the strawberry Laffy Taffys. Their excessive tears will be the perfect source of sustainable lubrication to last you all winter. That’s how you know they’re the right one.
3.) Tell jokes in the diag:
As people shuffle to class, give them riddles in order to cross the diag. If they get it right, you know they’re a smarty. Immediately ask for their UMID number so you can take them on a date to South Quad this weekend. If they don’t get it right, but laugh, do the same thing anyways. You can’t always have the best of both worlds.
2.) Bus rides with your future bae:
Fall in love as you fall forward on the BB bus when the student driver hits the brakes too hard again. As you both grip the pole to hold on for dear life, slide your hand down to brush against theirs. If they don’t immediately retract their hand, it’s love. If they do, well, such is life. Try again with a different subject on your way back to central for the 8 a.m. (because you thought you could handle when you registered as an overeager high school graduate). If each trial proves unsucessful, take aim at the student bus driver. They’re paid the highest student wage on campus, at a whopping $14/hour. Hey baby, looking to become a sugar daddy?
1.) Lab partners to love partners:
You know you’ve had a crush on your Gen Chem lab partner since the moment they did the first reaction correctly. Not only did you land a lab partner who can follow experimental directions, but you also landed a shot at true love. Be bold, and ask them to get coffee. Nothing says, “I want to bone you” like a medium-sized cup of joe from Bert’s. Even better, since Bert’s now sells their signature grounds by the bag, you can suggest to meet for another coffee date; but this time you’ll be serving your new found crush on the ground in your room.
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