After losing in the National Championship to Villanova on Monday night, local South Quad resident and Michigan men’s basketball guard Jordan Poole has expressed his excitement to return to his dorm and its hordes of eager freshmen waiting to have sex with him.
Poole, who recently became a campus celebrity after sinking a three-point buzzer beater to advance Michigan to the Sweet Sixteen, has been fielding desperate DM slides and Snapchat nudes ever since the win against Houston.
“It’s flattering, really,” Poole said, hours following the team’s loss. “I’ve been getting hundreds of messages a day: Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, random texts, and they’re all from people saying they want to have sex with me. It’s such a great boost of positivity to know I can return to women all wanting to have sex with me even after disappointing performance.”
Fellow South Quad residents are eagerly awaiting Poole’s return to the dorm. Per LSA freshman Heather Samuelsson, “I’ve seen him around the dining hall a few times and was totally able to control myself. But after watching him save the basketball team with that three pointer early in the tournament? God, it’s gonna take everything in me not to rip my pants off the next time I see him.”
“I literally came right in my pants when he hit that shot,” said fellow freshman, Blake Fortin. “I am completely heterosexual, but when he gets back here I’m gonna do everything in my power to have sex with that man. I don’t know if he’s into guys, but neither am I, so we’re pretty much made for each other.”
Several other freshman have voiced their desires to have sexual relations with Poole, including some unexpected volunteers.
Kathleen Tuulola made a pledge on her 18th birthday to stay celibate until marriage, but told The Black Sheep reporters that, “Even the good Lord himself isn’t stopping me from climbing that man like he’s Mount Fuji and I’m an overzealous fitness blogger from Seattle. I have a very serious boyfriend, but he was so impressed by Poole’s three pointer that he said it’s okay if I hook up with [Poole], because he just wants to date someone who’s been penetrated by that kind of raw talent.”
Poole’s teammates have also become aware of the campus-wide desire for a night with their team’s star.
“Oh yeah, I’ve been getting texts from people asking me if I could set them up,” said teammate and Michigan forward, Mo Wagner. “That buzzer beater really did a number on some fans. I’m kind of worried for him, though, because we still have finals later this year and I don’t know if he can study for them if he’s banging people left and right for the rest of the semester.”
“I’ll be honest: watching Jordan make that shot and send us to the Sweet Sixteen turned me on too,” said senior guard Muhammad-Ali Abdur-Rahkman. “I wouldn’t mind getting in on that after the tournament is over.”
Poole seems to be taking his newfound sexual fame in stride, though. When asked about how it’s affected his focus on the game, he seemed collected and ready for the challenge ahead.
“I didn’t really care whether we won or lost,” Poole said. “Either way, I’m getting hella laid.”