There’s nothing quite like the warm and fuzzy feeling of getting together with family at Thanksgiving (or at least the warm and fuzzy feeling of being drunk while artfully dodging their horrifying probes into your farce of an existence). To get you through the holiday, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of carefully selected alcohol pairings to go with any conversation your family may want to start with you.
5.) “What have you been up to?” — Woodchuck Amber Hard Cider
The sweetness of this cider mirrors the unthreatening nature of the question, and has just enough tanginess to complement the guilt of lying to Uncle Dave when you say, “Oh, ya know, school stuff,” and not, “Oh, ya know, anonymous sex, failing my classes, and disappointing the Lord.” Its alcohol percentage is low enough for you to deftly sidestep a conversation about your garbage GPA, but high enough to lull you into thinking it’s fine if you avoid grandma all night (she’s always been a little too perceptive for a 90-year-old). A good choice for the student whose family asks them about life to be polite and not because they actually care.
4.) “How’s school going?” — Fat Tire Belgian Style Ale
Fat Tire is a fresh, balanced brew with just a hint of sweetness—tasting notes you can recite to your family to distract them from the fact you just completely ignored their question about school. It has the added benefit of being free, and not Bud Light, so even if you’re downing these at a rate that would make your pledge master proud, you’ll be the same amount of broke you were before and you’ll look like someone who cares about craft beer. The ABV is 5.4%, so it’s a great option for the student looking to get drunk enough to tell her dad she has to take a fifth year without puking all over him in the process.
3.) “Where are you working this summer?”— 2011 Chateau Lynch-Bages, Bordeaux
Nothing says “I definitely have a summer internship” like a glass of fancy Bordeaux, even if it’s your sixth of the night and you definitely don’t have a summer internship. According to Wine Enthusiast, Chateau Lynch-Bages’ 2011 vintage is “a dense, chewy wine…very pretty indeed,” which makes absolutely no sense at all, much like the applications that got you rejected everywhere you sent them. But the good thing about a robust Bordeaux is that it makes you look significantly more in control than you actually are, which should throw your family off the scent for a little bit. Best for students with money, but not enough to bribe the people at career fair.
2.) “Are you seeing anyone?” — Johnnie Walker Red Label Scotch Whiskey
This is a question that tips the scales from the single to double digits of alcohol by volume percentage. At 40% abv, this is one of the most efficient ways of mentally removing yourself from Thanksgiving dinner, because your mom said you can’t sit at the kids table, and you don’t think you can be sober while providing more evidence for your Aunt Jenny’s theory that you’re gay. Also, it’s the strongest stuff in grandpa’s liquor cabinet, and you’ll need it to give yourself emergency alcohol poisoning if Jenny tries to pull you aside and say that she’ll always support you no matter what. Recommended for those with little dignity and poor luck with past relationships.
1.) “What are you doing after graduation?”— Walgreens Brand 91% Rubbing Alcohol
If anyone asks you this question, just go sit yourself underneath grandma’s sink and throw back a whole bottle of Walgreens Brand 91% Rubbing Alcohol. It’s denatured to discourage consumption, so it tastes like gypsy curse and will burn just as badly all the way down. Also, it makes you go blind and will probably kill you, which is honestly a better option than trying to explain to everyone what you’re supposed to do with a BA in History and a 2.3 GPA. Tragically, any drunkenness you’ll feel will quickly be overshadowed by the seizures or hypothermia, but at least your parents can’t badger you about career options over the noise of ambulance sirens. Best for current seniors.
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