Are you staring at yourself in a senior year you shaped mirror wondering how you got to this point? Apparently, enough pad thai and soy sauce really does add up to the freshman fifteen you said you wouldn’t gain. Are you wondering how you are going to wear a bikini in 10 days on that trip up north? Are you wishing you didn’t eat all that No Thai? You’re in luck. The Black Sheep has compiled the best tips to help you lose that No Thai weight this summer.
Step 1— Swear off Thai food forever:
The first step, is accepting you have a problem. If you can’t go 24 hours without a yoga flame order of pad thai, you have a problem. Accepting it is a start. But after that, you have to swear it off. Tell yourself that No Thai isn’t god, but satan.
Step 2— Make-up allergies for yourself:
Make yourself allergic to anything your diet doesn’t contain. Peanut allergy? Check. Gluten allergy? Check. Just those two basically make No Thai an impossible feat. The more you say you’re allergic to anything that tastes good in the world out loud, the more you’ll believe it’s true.
Step 3— Pick up a hobby:
Hobbies keep us occupied when we’d otherwise be eating No Thai. Hobbies keep us invested in something that isn’t pad thai curry! Maybe knitting, perhaps yoga, maybe even fine art or bird watching! Definitely watch out for cooking and baking though. Don’t try those at home.
Step 4— Make a rewards chart!
Every day that you avoid eating something that even resembles a carb, give yourself a gold star! Every time you eat something that looks slightly like No Thai or has the name thai in the title, rip up that gold star sheet and start fresh. You hate yourself when you eat No Thai. Yeah you do. Fool proof.
Step 5— Find a new drunk food:
This is summer, it’s the time to test out a few things and see if they work for next semester! How about celery sticks? Carrot sticks? Maybe you can find a really good seed cracker you like – how about just raw almonds…. Ice cubes? Disclaimer:this is not an excuse to pick up a Pizza House or Jimmy Johns habit.
Step 6— Accept that all good things come to an end:
You probably didn’t mind the extra fluff in the -28,349° winter we were having back in February. But it’s now 99° in suburban New Jersey and you look kind of like, no offense, but a wide pad thai noodle. It’s time to realize that your No Thai addiction brought nothing positive to this world. Maybe a few good nights, maybe a couple good memories, but all in all, you’re better without it.
Step 7— Delete No Thai’s number off your phone:
Delete the number, like an ex boyfriend or a Tinder hook up gone wrong. That. Number. Tell your friends to delete the number. Do not write the number on your hand before you go out. That number never happened. Do not memorize the number. Block that number, block the delivery guy on Snapchat, unfollow No Thai’s underground Instagram account and delete all photographs of you around and near No Thai. This is like breaking up with someone, erase the possibility that you were ever really with them. No Thai who?
Step 8— Ensure that you aren’t living any where near a No Thai next year:
Next year, stray far from that noodle-y oasis. Do not live in Arbor Blu. Do not live in a sorority house. Do NOT live in Landmark. In fact, maybe just move so far off campus that the delivery drivers won’t even come all the way to deliver to you.
If you follow our tips you are sure to lose that No Thai weight just in time to arrive back to Ann Arbor and gain it all back.