As the summer ends and the school year begins, the staff at CAPS are diligently working to prepare for the influx of students looking for help as their depression worsens. At the University of Michigan, the lack of daylight hours, difficult classes, and general feeling of malaise one experiences while walking around the construction site our campus has become all contribute to seasonal affective disorder. This serious condition can cause otherwise healthy students to turn into weak little bitches who can’t handle a few months of winter without psychological support.
And to those students, we say, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Let’s be honest with each other. It gets a little chilly outside, and you’re all up in arms? Excuse us for a moment while we play a sad song on this tiny little violin we keep in the office for kids who say they need therapy.
Oh, you’re thousands of dollars in debt, you haven’t slept in weeks, and you haven’t seen the sun in days? Cry us a river you bowl of fucking cornflakes.
“But CAPS,” you whine, “I pay $60,000 a year to go here! Doesn’t any of that money go towards student services?” No, it absolutely does not. Yeah sure, maybe we’ll use some of it to convince your parents you’ll be living comfortably while you’re here, but use your brains: There are billions of dollars going in and out of this place every day, and your tiny little tuition check means nothing to us.
You’re here to suffer, graduate, work in finance, and donate a bunch of money back here so Mark Schlissel can alleviate his white guilt with another diversity center.
So here’s a little mental health tip, free of charge from your friends at CAPS: Make peace with the fact that you mean nothing to us, and then do some yoga or something and get over it.
Don’t contact us again,
Center and Psychological Services (CAPS)
A joke that was perceived as promoting suicide has since been removed from the story. While our purpose as a publication is to joke and poke fun at the people and places around us, we would never publish a story, or include any detail within a story, that would promote or encourage such an humorless and serious topic.
This article is a work of satire intended to criticize the lack of resources around the Counseling and Psychological Services at Michigan that ultimately stems from a larger issue of how the university fails to address mental health in a responsible, efficient, and compassionate manner.
If you or someone you know is dealing with stress or mental health issues, please visit the Student Life University Health Services resources.
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