Hi guys! It’s me, Reggie Bee! I recently found out that I am running for president of Central Student Government, and I cannot tell you how excited I am to be a part of campus politics this year. From my several months as a local celebrity, I have gathered a significant amount of information about the student governing body, most notably that they do absolutely nothing whatsoever, which is great news for my candidacy because I am a dog who is universally adored for also doing absolutely nothing!
I think I am a very good candidate for president. This is because I can do nothing, and it makes people happy. They feed me treats and take my picture and put it on their Tinder profiles so they can attract other students and have sex! Other candidates for president do not help students have sex. They do nothing, but it does not look cute. It just helps their CV look fancy after graduation.
Some people are telling me they would like more lights by the Oxford dormitories. Some human candidates are saying they will put lights by the Oxford dormitories, but everyone knows they will not do that. I will also not do that! And while I am not doing it, you can give me food and take a picture of me so you’re late to class! But it will be OK, because you will have a nice picture. If you are late to class because you took a picture with someone from MVision, that is weird!
Some people are telling me they would like to cut down on racist incidents on campus. Some human candidates are saying they will cut down on racist incidents on campus. But that is so silly! Meaningless bureaucratic navel gazing and using an election system to pad a resume cannot end racism! And neither can I! Because I’m a dog! But at least looking at pictures of me online is fun. Looking at pictures of TrueBlue candidates online is not fun because maybe you used to date one of them and now look how well they’re doing! And now you are sad because of racism and you feel inadequate.
Here are some things other candidates are good at that will do nothing for Michigan students:
- Flooding your social media and group chats with their party name
- Aggressive diag flyering
- Promising the same things as every previous candidate and ignoring the fact that the university, who must approve all legislation for it to go into effect, has no intention of doing so
Here are some things I am good at that will do nothing for Michigan students except make them happy to see me:
- Eating treats
- Taking nice pictures
As you can see by the data, while both myself and my running mates will do nothing, I will do nothing while making Michigan students happy. And I love you so much!
Reginald Bee, Campus Corgi
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