Somehow, we made it to the Final Four and everyone at the University of Michigan has completely lost their shit. Are we a basketball school now? In preparation for our game against holy Loyola-Chicago, we have decided to level the playing field and speak to their interests by explaining how each member of the basketball team is one of the seven deadly sins we will be committing against them this weekend in Texas:
7.) Lust — Muhammad Ali Abdur Rakhman:
Everyone loves Muhammad and would definitely be willing to commit some sins or two for him (if you know what we mean *wink*). He plays almost every minute of the game, his name in itself is a work of art, and everyone lusts after Muhammad like the end of the world is coming. He’ll definitely be making an impact on Saturday, so keep your lusty eyes open for the little (but not actually so little) man in hot pink sneakers.
6.) Gluttony — Mortiz Wagner:
You can never have enough of Mo, and having too much seems impossible. He rakes in that crazy height and the hot German appeal. (Did you know German is underratedly the language of love? Talk German to me Mo.) Loyola won’t be able to handle how much Mo we’re about to give to them. Ich bin ein Berliner for you, Mo.
5.) Greed — Duncan Robinson:
First, let’s just acknowledge the fact that this guy is named Duncan, and he is a basketball player. He was literally born and bred for this role. We all want too much of Duncan, and can’t stop wanting more. Just like he probably wants more playing time sometimes, Loyola won’t stop wanting more with him.
4.) Sloth — Jon Teske:
Purely due to his absurd height, Jon Teske may be sloth because it’s probably impossible for him to process something that is happening on the ground at a reasonable rate. He probably gets an irrational amount of “How’s the weather up there?” jokes given he’s over 7 feet tall and is a literal brick wall. Probably not that lazy, we’re really not sure how he manages to keep up with a lot.
3.) Wrath — Zavier Simpson:
Zavier may be short (6 feet tall—yes, that’s short), but he does not mess around. With little people comes a lot of fury, so while Loyola may laugh that we let such a small person on our team, he’s basically the Napoleon of the Michigan team (you know, minus all of the really unethical stuff Napoleon did).
2.) Envy — Charles Matthews:
With 17 points in the Elite 8 game, Charles Matthews is a force to be reckoned with and simply everyone wants to be him. Charles is here to make Loyola wish they had a team like the Wolverines, and put these 11th-seeded “Ramblers” in their place. What is a Rambler even? Someone please let us know, we’re quite lost.
1.) Pride — Jordan Poole:
This little nugget of happiness is the pride and joy Michigan basketball team after he almost single-handedly took us to the Sweet 16—and we couldn’t be more proud! Since the shot at the Houston game, this guy knows he is basically royalty and isn’t ashamed of flaunting how great and successful he is. Just look at him! Such a cute lil’ prideful nugget!
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