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We Found a Pretty Shocking Email to Daddy Schlissel About a Proposed Tuition Hike

From: Kevin Hegarty (
To: President Mark Schlissel (
Subject: Proposed Tuition Increase

How’s it going Marky Mark? Haven’t seen you since the last executive officer meeting…what a DRAG. If I want to drink 6 G&Ts in 45 minutes that’s my business, and E Royster Harpy can suck the $9 billion in investments I oversee for this university. What a killjoy — I’m CFO, I can do what I want.

Anyway, speaking of that ca$h I rake in for this backwater hellhole, it’s time for our annual discussion on raising tuition again. Obviously I think we should plan for a higher increase this year — the Mrs. wants another mountain home in Aspen, and last year’s 4.5% barely covered on the first two. I’m thinking another 5% increase for all students, since they’re really not paying that much to begin with. I mean, $47.5k for out-of-staters?

What are we, a soup kitchen?

By the way, I dumped a significant amount of the university’s investments into bitcoin when it hit its peak. That was, admittedly, a poor investment decision. We may have to leverage some more tuition increases to take care of that little oopsie on my portfolio. It’s not a huge deal: a 7-10% increase on top of the original 5% should take care of it.

Actually, we may have to bump that up to 15% if I can’t get my money back from that Chinese hacker. I lent him $20 million for this new cryptocurrency he said was gonna be huge in Asia, but he stopped answering my emails a few weeks ago so we may have to count that as a loss. It’s a drop in the bucket, really.

Besides that little snafu, the university is doing super well financially. With my calculations (assuming a 20-25% increase in tuition next year) we should have enough to pay off the other Chinese hackers that are holding my children hostage in Tibet and still allow for my wife’s vineyard in Italy. It’ll be tight, but I’m sure we can make it work.

Let me know your thoughts! I’ll respond as soon as possible, but my manservant Edgar is drawing my evening bath filled with $100 bills—they say the trace amounts of cocaine on the surface of the money infuse the bathwater brings out anti-aging properties.

Talk soon,

Kevin Heggarty
“I’m CFO, bitch.”
Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer
University of Michigan


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