Happy flu season, Wolverines! Isn’t comforting to know that half of us will fall victim to the plague that is the flu by February? And, of course, UHS will be able to handle approximately 13% of those people, considering those kids from South Quad with that funky rash all over their hands and feet, as well as those trying to get IUDs before Trump cancels birth control, will already be in line. But not to worry! If your 45 credits, 98 intern applications and 35 clubs are too much to handle and you can’t get a flu shot, we’ve compiled the list of 15 other shots you can take instead. They work (kind of) the same!
This shit kills bacteria faster than the freshman sorority PNMs passed out on the first game day.
You can’t make it to CVS for that flu vaccination but you CAN make it to every single Tina Tuesday without ever missing one right? Right. So head on over there. We’re not even sure if it’s real tequila, but it costs, like, $1, and doesn’t concern your health insurance in anyway shape or form.
Everyone KNOWS you’re on the spring break diet (#PV #mexico #greeklife), so chasing Bacardi with Diet Coke is totally in the 100-calorie diet plan.
Honestly, glad you can go pregame for date party and ensure that you’re not getting the flu at the very same time. This one is extra effective because you’re taking approx eight shots on a germ infested bus to Detroit and probably kissing some random kid you got set up with in that now rogue frat. Congrats, you’re definitely immune. Maybe not to mono, but hey, there’s no vaccine for that.
Oh the weather outside is frightful…what better way to stay warm in that Skeeps line AND fight the flu?
10.) Peppermint Schnapps
Hello Christmas szn!! The best way to do this one is obviously “the hair cut,” or have your drunk friend dump half a bottle of this Santa semen in your mouth, only to follow it with way too much Hershey’s chocolate syrup that probably expired in September. Perfect.
9.) Smirnoff Sours:
Freshmen, this one’s for you. Your ID may have gotten taken, but that won’t stop you from BEGGING your big to use hers at Champs to get you some Smirnoff Sours to get you and your immune system turned up.
8.) A hairy bitch:
There’s nowhere more immune to the Flu than the Brown Jug. Literally this place is filled with SO MUCH ALCOHOL that it’s basically better than the hospital. One hairy bitch, and you’ve guaranteed a winter szn sans flu.
Make like that weird uncle who you saw this Thanksgiving and take a shot of scotch. You never see that dude getting sick, do you? Then again, you only see him once a year, so who the hell knows?
6.) Captain Morgan:
Aye, Aye Captain. Take us to a place where the flu doesn’t exist (but not a place where scuurvy does).
Ballin’ on a budget? Dude, we got you. Fight the flu, maybe boot and rally, and go make bad choices.
Not too sure what 40-year-old men go to this school, but hey, gin actually kills all the germs in your body. Take a shot of this and wake up? Congrats, you’re pure and free of the flu.
Head on over to Sadako, get food poisoning, and take a quick shot of Sake. Or a few more. Hell, you may need at least three to get drunk in a weird Sushi restaurant, face all the special smells in there, and fight the flu. You do you.
What’s the basement of Slounge without an overpriced Jagerbomb purchased from that weird dude over there, a couple weird people who need to get a room, and fighting flu season? It’s nothing, and after a few of these babies you’ll be seeing clear-eyed.
Night night sweet prince. Wake up tomorrow feeling as though a Blue Bus not only ran over you, but reversed and ran back over you again. But, hey, you have to put up with the worst to get the best, and now you’re immune to the flu.
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