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UM Sorority Girl Claims She’s ‘Born-Again Christian’ Suspiciously Soon After She’s Unable to Get Laid

ANN ARBOR — University of Michigan junior Tiffany Stillman has decided to take up Christianity as an excuse for months of being unable to get laid, several students close to Stillman said. 

“Watching Netflix in my air-conditioned room at Landmark all summer and going to Rick’s alone really has me thinking about my like, inner spirituality and stuff,” Stillman announced. “I honestly really love going out on weekends and downing fish bowls, but now, taking communion is the only alcohol I need.”

Stillman’s friends have been trying to get her laid since the end of winter term, but, unfortunately, nobody wants to take up their insistent offers.

“It’s like, sad, you know?” said Stillman’s friend, Jessica Goldberg. “Tiffany has always been the woo girl, she’s just had a dry streak. It’s not like she’s the Virgin Mary, either: She’s always spent a lot of time on her knees, but not really praying, if you know what I mean. Honestly, I see right through Tiffany becoming Christian. Plus, it doesn’t even make sense — we’re Jewish.”

According to Stillman’s parents, they couldn’t be more proud. “We’re just so happy our little girl decided to open her arms to the Lord instead of her legs to the entire Greek population, which is what we assumed she was up to after high school,” said Stillman’s mom. “We’re a little confused, since Christianity isn’t really in our family, but this turn of events really sparks hope in your heart.”

Stillman insists that her inability to attract male attention has no relation to her recent, eye-opening religious experience.

“I might seem lonely, but who’s ever really alone when they have God?” Stillman said, swiping through Tinder.

“We know this is just temporary, and we’ll probably find her passed out in a themed outfit on South U by September,” claimed sorority sister Brittany Kaplan, signing Stillman up for yet another dating app.

Stillman is starting up an on-campus group for Christians in Greek life in hopes of bringing other lost hoes to salvation. For any students looking to join, the club will most likely be disbanded after Ian finally texts her back.

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