It’s the most wonderful time of the year—Secret Santa season! Experience the joy of swapping cheap trinkets with your friends and/or extracurricular acquaintances before getting ho ho hosed on peppermint schnapps and holiday spirit. But, it’s an hour before the swap, and there’s no time to dash over to CVS for some garbage on the seasonal shelf. Now’s the time to dig through your roommate’s stuff and steal these things to disappoint the unlucky bastard who got you as their Secret Santa.
5.) Their Pulp Fiction poster:
If there’s one thing every college student already owns, it’s a Pulp Fiction poster. Your roommate has had this thing since freshman year and refused to part with it, so this could be a good opportunity to help them move on from their tragic white youth. Plus, nothing says “thoughtful gift” like a tattered piece of paper with some unidentified and questionable stains.
4.) That cute pair of boots they peed on once:
There’s a solid chance your Secret Santa is a dude, but you’re willing to do anything to rid your room from these bacterial nightmares. Your roommate scored these in the clearance section at Target before promptly getting blasted at Rick’s and squatting to pee on someone’s front lawn on the way home, only to cover a significant portion of her shoes with urine. Maybe your Secret Santa can do what your roommate refuses to and throw these in an incinerator where they belong.
3.) Their cherished stuffed animal:
Another gift more for the benefit of your roommate than your Secret Santa. She’s had this stuffed lion since infancy, and it’s begging you to free it from her clutches. Apparently she can’t sleep without it under her pillow because it “got her through her parents’ divorce,” but that sounds a little dramatic and to be honest, she should really be spending more time studying and less time napping. One in two couples gets a divorce, people!
2.) The good snacks:
Technically, she said these were for the two of you to share, so that means you can just take all of them and give them to someone else, right? She didn’t even buy them herself, either: her mom came in and basically dumped a crate of some weird organic Whole Foods crap in your room, so this should be fair game. Everyone likes kale chips, right?
1.) The crucifix hanging above their bed:
Keep the “Christ” in Christmas! It is his birthday season. Your roommate’s super Catholic grandma gave this to her for her first communion, and she only keeps it around because she’s guilty she never went to Mass with Nana before she died.
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