Are you from anywhere other than Michigan? Did you receive little to no financial aid? Are you attending this university for four years, blocking out the inevitable lifetime of student loans approaching you after graduation? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you or your parents are probably about to spend the next 4-40 years of your existence trying to figure out how to afford a $240,000 education. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep has you covered! We compiled a list of the best ways to pay for your out of state tuition at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.
10.) Make #examszn diet supplements:
Team up with a chem major that you’ve blackmailed, find a kitchen in the basement of MOJO, and cook up some black market exam season diet supplements! For the recipe you’ll need Adderall, espresso shots from south state street Espresso Royale, human tears, and Sriracha. Just tell freshman boys it will get them laid and you’ll make your money back in no time.
9.) Blue buses & bills:
Hijack a blue bus that says “not in service” and use it as a new competitor to both Uber and Lyft. “BLUE-ber” drops off at every fraternity house and every bar from Cavern to Necto from 10 to 3 a.m. Thursday – Sunday. Charge less than Uber and Lyft until both are run out of business.
8.) Create a Pizza House competitor:
Open up a new pizza house called “nobody orders anything but feta bread anyway” at the location of the old safe sex store – and actually charge a reasonable price for glorified domino’s cheesy bread.
7.) Sell bruch on the roadside:
Set up an avocado toast and acai bowl stand on hill street right near AXO, Kappa, AEPHI, ADPI, AGD, SDT, and Zeta. Charge $18 for a piece of bread with guacamole on it, don’t worry, the sorority girls will buy it. You’ll make your tuition money back in 11 days if the word brunch is included in the title.
6.) Be best buds with Steven Ross:
Apply to Ross, get in, befriend Steven Ross, invest in him as an individual, see where life takes you.
5.) Steal Jabrill’s stuff and sell it:
Sneak into the Big House late at night, break into the football team’s locker room and steal an original Jabrill Pepper’s football jersey. Sell it on Ebay for 240,000 dollars. I guarantee there is a ross graduate former AEPI alumni who’s hit it big and will buy if off of you.
4.) Resell Zingerman’s at the Posting Wall:
Create an underground delivery service in which you go stand on a year and half long line at Zingerman’s pick up 845 sandwiches, and set up shop in Haven hall around 12:30 in the afternoon. Charge $30 per sandwich – Venmo ONLY.
3.) Sell Insomnia cookies and weed brownies throughout the UGLI:
You know anyone on the UGLI’s seventh floor is either desperate for salvation or not actually doing anything. Walk from table to table, study room to study room, selling cookies and weed brownies at 1:35 A.M. This is a no fail way to make at least 60,000 dollars in one week of sales during finals.
2.) Make an iPhone application that allows greek life members to rate, exchange, chat about, and find date party dates:
Imagine Tinder only for finding yourself a date party date. If your date yaks on the bus, leaves, does drugs in the bathroom, or breaks a bone, give them one star. If they buy you No Thai after and Ciroc before – give them five. No more terrible set – ups, no more leaving date party alone, no more babysitting your drunk date.
1.) Sell meat in East Quad on Meatless Mondays:
Set up a competitor to the east quad dining hall that specializes in dishes that exclusively have meat in them on meatless Mondays. Unfortunately for east quad, nobody actually wants to eat German Tofu Schnitzel or Basil garlic risotto lemon tofu– so just selling chicken fingers, ribs, and 24 oz steaks will really do the trick.
Follow these easy steps and you’ll be halfway through your student loans in time for you to take out a mortgage! Let us know how much you make @BlackSheep_UM!
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