After surviving two more semesters of straight binge drinking and meaningless sex, you don’t really know how you’re going to live three entire months under your parents’ rules again, AKA “no alcohol or members of the opposite sex allowed.” Luckily, your parents don’t have summer vacation, so they’ll be in Columbus on a work conference this weekend. Relive your glory days in your favorite frat basement by turning your suburban digs into a frat for the summer.
7.) Only buy Kamchatka:
Pretend we’re living in a rogue frat so we don’t have to abide by the “beer and wine only” rule that IFC decided was a brilliant idea. Who needs to slap the bag when you can take Jell-O shots in front of your childhood art projects? Kamchatka is not only cheap, but it is also effective. Plus, you’re practically guaranteed to get that Oh-My-God-Why-Did-I-Drink-Last-Night frat hangover in the morning.
6.) Run out of mixer in the first hour:
In order to have the full frat experience, you have to make sure there’s only mixer available for the first 60 minutes. When you’re at Meijer, only buy one two-liter for every three handles to assure that your teenage neighbors and high school friends are solely drinking cheap liquor at 11 p.m. Make it more realistic and run out of lemonade immediately so you’re taking shots of straight Kamchatka with Alicia by 10:30. Of course, there’s always the OJ that your parents keep in the fridge, but just throw that away to get the full frat experience.
5.) Make your little brother the door guard since you don’t have pledges:
He really wants to be involved with his older siblings now that they’re home from college, and what better way to do so than putting him at the door ensuring people are on “the list”? Make sure he asks them for their M-Card upon entry to make it authentic. You don’t have pledges in this fake frat, and it’s not like you’re going to stand by the door. Plus, this way you can haze him later in the basement for entertainment. Jimmy’s never felt more like family! Brotherhood!
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4.) Trash the bathroom at the pregame:
Honestly, your family probably has a years worth of toilet paper in the hall closet, but make sure there’s not even a scrap of it around before the party starts. They’ll be fully immersed in the lifestyle when they’re forced to dig an old napkin out of their jean jacket. Top it all off by getting your pledge, Jimmy, to pee all over the toilet seat. Make it absolutely untouchable.
3.) Use the table your parents bring out for Passover to play beer pong:
It deserves to see the light of day more than once a year, and what better opportunity than shitty beer and sweaty college kids? Make Moses and God proud by winning the game. No frat party is complete without beer pong, and you’re just keeping the party up to the obviously high standards Ryan from community college already has in place. Natty Light is close enough to Manischewitz at this time of year, anyway.
2.) Fuck Jake in your parents’ bedroom and have him kick you out before 8 a.m.:
Banging next to your honors awards and high school softball trophies feels a little weird. Instead, have Jake bring you upstairs to your parents room so you can get laid with peace of mind. Make sure he kicks you out of your own home before 8 a.m. because “his parents” (AKA the other girl you don’t know about) are making a surprise visit this weekend. Sit on your own porch steps while tearfully calling your BEST high school friend you didn’t invite to come pick you up. It’s all for the effect.
1.) Vom on the floor, don’t clean it, and call it a night:
No frat house is complete without feeling like your shoe is cemented to the ground. Really set the bar high by spewing your vodka lemonade all over your parents’ nice hardwood. By the time it dries, you’ll have convinced everyone that you totally had a rager. Never clean it yourself. Instead, give Jimmy a single toothbrush and wish him luck.
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