Brads exist all over college campuses in America. They’re the boys who only wear two clothing brands and use the same pick up line on 12 different girls in one night because it never works. These are the boys that ladies avoid, but they’re unavoidable – especially on the University of Michigan campus. Here are the six types of Brad’s one can spot and later avoid while in Ann Arbor.
6.) Brad who is in Ross:
This type of Brad is in Michigan’s Ross School of Business. He carries around at least three copies of his resume at all times and always keeps 20 business cards in his wallet. A conversation with him will probably consist of him talking about stocks, the fact that he’s in Ross, his EY internship, and the fact that he’s in Ross. Be careful with this one though: He spends all his time convincing people to like him and you won’t be any different.
5.) Brad who couldn’t get a bid:
Poor, poor Brad. He rushed four semesters and still walked out without a bid. Now, he’s a junior and trying to compensate for the fact he doesn’t have the social status of being in a fraternity. He makes Facebook pages for the parties he throws at his Landmark apartment, telling everyone there will be unlimited booze (even though he can only afford a 12 pack of Hamms and a fifth of Kamchatka), and ends up spending a lot of time at Ricks.
4.) The Brad who’s an athlete:
This Brad is tricky. At first, the athletic build and status of playing a D-I sport is appealing. Then you realize he juuls on his way to the gym and pays people to do his homework. He can’t take rejection, and his only response when you won’t hook up with him is, “Do you know who I am?” His athletic career will probably end after college, and then he will only be the “Brad that once was.”
3.) Engineering Brad:
This Brad spends all his time on North Campus and doesn’t shut up about it. He wears a “Michigan Engineering” t-shirt on game days just so people know he isn’t in LSA. He loves talking about how impressive his major is and how he is always studying more than his friends – which is why you should be so lucky he’s talking to you tonight.
2.) Pre-med Brad:
This is the Brad who plans on taking over his dad’s practice and wants everyone to know he plans on going to med school. You’ll find him at Skeeps on Thursday talking about how he has an 8 a.m. lab tomorrow but would rather talk to ~you~ instead of going home to sleep. He constantly talks about how hard his classes are and doesn’t understand how his friends “have time to drink five days a week when he can only drink three.”
1.) Frat Brad:
The classic Brad. He runs around campus in Timbs and three layers of Patagonia sweaters telling people that, “Saturdays are for the boys.” His diet consists of pizza, Natty Light, and protein shakes. He doesn’t understand that a fiesta-themed mixer is cultural appropriation and he still thinks his frat house “smells fine.” He spends most of his time doing stupid things so he will get featured on Barstool, even though he just ends up in the hospital with a concussion or alcohol poisoning.
Don’t be a Brad.
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