Saying Michigan football sucks may be a bit of a stretch, but it wouldn’t be the biggest lie right now. The Wolverines are unranked, lost to Michigan State, and got destroyed by Penn State, which is still a pretty touchy subject to this day. To forget the fact that Jim Harbaugh is only low key letting us down, here’s a few things that may tug on UM fans’ heartstrings a little more than our weak Jabrill Peppers-free team:
5.) Dennison becoming Weiser:
This goes out to all of the hearts torn by the David M. Dennison building stripped of its true heritage, thanks to a lofty donation by some man who truly has no respect for the culture of the University of Michigan. Not only was the name of our favorite building torn off and battered and bruised, the construction literally required you to walk up seven flights of stairs, through six corridors, operate a crane, and take four elevators, all just to reach your lecture hall.
4.) Law Quad construction:
You can’t actually do fall at U of M without basic Law Quad photoshoots, Law Quad “study sessions” (Has anyone actually done this?), and the “I go to Hogwarts” Snapchat we all know and love to hate. Now that the Law Quad is closed off, expect to see a lot less applications from self-proclaimed basic bitches who miss out on that aspect of the campus tour and are under the impression that every building at the University of Michigan is as ugly as the MLB or the depths of Mason Hall.
3.) Ross rejection day:
Ross rejects—aren’t we all? Nothing says sadness like a big, fat rejection from none other than the Stephen M. Ross School of Business filled with the Facebook feed of “Truly HONORED and BLESSED to be taking my talents to the Stephen M. Ross School of Business.” LinkedIn updates will follow, sappy Instagram posts from the significantly less superior friends of Rossholes will flood your feed, and every other form of social media letting you know your freshman hallmate who blacked out four nights a week was an “Incoming Investment Banking Applicant at Goldman Sachs.” You’ll have to settle for whatever “Ross reject” major your Econ 101-failing brain can handle.
2.) Almost making it to the Elite Eight:
Everyone remembers where they were last year when Michigan lost to Oregon by a single point in the very last seconds of their Sweet Sixteen March Madness game (on account of a man who strongly resembles a rooster). The entire campus was up in flames (essentially), every bar filled to the brim with tears, and students were saddened by the idea that we were not allowed to be as arrogant as they always are. Don’t worry though: UM still lived up to that with a significant amount of “At least we’re smarter” mentions because, who goes to Oregon anyways?
1.) Michigan vs. MSU 2015:
Never has the campus been so silent. Never has anyone’s heart been broken into a million pieces so aggressively. Still too hard to truly talk about, the last few seconds of that game will go down in history as the most upsetting and miserable experience of every student’s life. Forget any future job rejections, grad school rejections, personal rejections—no one will ever feel as rejected as fans after that game.
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