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Incoming UM Freshman Brags About Not Remembering Lollapalooza

ANN ARBOR – In a striking move of social dominance, incoming freshman Zachary Broadhurst has spent much of his welcome week impressing everyone in Markley by bragging about how “totally blacked” he got at Chicago’s annual Lollapalooza music festival.

According to witness reports, Broadhurst spent around $600 of his parent’s money over the Lollapalooza weekend, including tickets, transport, and enough alcohol and drugs to keep his brain from processing or storing any memory of what he did.

“He said it was maybe the best weekend of his life,” said fellow freshman Cayla Tomkins. “I wish I lived in a Chicago suburb, it’s probably so insane.  Zach told me his friends pregamed on the Metra from Kenilworth and the next thing he remembers is waking up on the floor of his room after the weekend was over. That’s so cool.”

According to Broadhurst, his Lollapalooza weekend was “pretty lit.”  

“Me and a couple of guys got some bandanas and basketball jerseys and like, totally smashed,” Broadhurst said. “Jake said I made out with this senior from New Trier at Perry’s, but he might be messing with me.  I literally don’t remember anything. I probs touched her ass though.”

Other freshmen in Markley seemed impressed by Broadhurst’s stories, and often joined in with their own anecdotes from their Lollapalooza experience.

“I went to Lolla but Zach, like, went to Lolla.  I got pretty fucked up too, but I remember seeing Portugal The Man and peeing behind a tree, which really sucks.  If I pay $400 for something, I don’t wanna remember any of it, you know? Zach is so cool.”

Broadhurst credits his experiences in Chicago with his ability to “party super fuckin’ hard and make everyone like me.”

“I mean, growing up in a big city definitely made me who I am,” said Broadhurst, who grew up in Winnetka.  “We pretty much took the train to Chicago at least once every few months. I’ve been to The Bean like four times. So I know how to drink and party and stuff, and I’m just trying to pass that on to these other dudes in my dorm. I’d say like 90% of my personality revolves around getting fucked up, so it’s really important to me that everyone here knows that.”

As for the rest of the school year, Broadhurst has stated that he’s excited to “rip it up at rush” and apply to be in Ross.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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