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UMich Athletics Content As ‘That Team That Always Loses to Penn State’

ANN ARBOR – Following the precedent set by Jim Harbaugh and the University of Michigan football team, the University of Michigan athletic department said they’re “content with its new position behind Penn State in the B1G East” following the wrestling team’s recent ass-handing by Penn State.

“We’re not worried about this new athletic status, and we generally bring up the existence of Rutgers and Maryland in an effort to deflect attention away from the poor performance of our more popular sports teams,” said Warde Manuel, Michigan’s athletic director. “Since we all know swimming, women’s water polo, and track and field aren’t real sports—and therefore aren’t worth talking about—we’re content being that school that always loses to Penn State.”

Prior to the match last week, wrestling head coach Joe McFarland let The Black Sheep know what his plan was going into the Penn State match. 

“The university gives Harbaugh $500,000 each year, but I only get $130,000 from the university, so I must be doing something wrong,” McFarland said. “I figure that if I follow Harbaugh and do exactly what he does, but with a wrestling team, I’ll be sure to get a raise soon.”

When asked what went wrong following the 25-12 loss, redshirt senior R.A Coon said, “Well you know, we got out there, we executed a little too well, we played our game, and didn’t let them play their game. Honestly, against a team we were supposed to beat, it would have been fine. But against Penn State, that was just the wrong thing to do.”

One of the defining moments of the meet was a match between Penn State’s Jason Nolf and Michigan’s redshirt junior Alec Pantaleo. Pantaleo was down only one point and was within reach of forcing a tie when Nolf slithered in (watch out, watch out, watch out) and came out of nowhere with an RKO.

“So, I let everyone have hope in us, and then we got fucked by Penn State,” said McFarland. “My only regret is we didn’t do worse. Harbaugh lost 13-42, and I only let Penn State double our score. Should have let them at least triple it.”

After the meet, Coach McFarland led a procession from the Crisler Center all the way to the rock and asked everyone to smell it. Once the entire team had smelled the rock, McFarland asked them, “Do you smell it? Do you smell what the rock is cooking? It’s cooking a $500,000 salary for me. Smell it long, smell it good, smell it hard. That’s the smell of money.”

While Coach McFarland thought it was money, The Black Sheep thought it smelled more like sweat and gross boys.

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