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UMich Fraternities Sadly Unable to Ruin Any Ski Resorts This Year

After multiple allegations of hazing, sexual misconduct, drugging fraternity members, and three near-death experiences over the past two weeks, the Interfraternity Council suspended all Greek social activities at the University of Michigan, prompting several northern Michigan ski resorts to feel “saddened and confused” that U of M frats wouldn’t be terrorizing their establishments this winter.

“I’m nearly at a loss for words,” said Kevin White, a manager at Treetops Resorts in Gaylord. “These boys came up here a few years back and really put some spice in all of our lives by causing $400,000 worth of damages after a night of boozing. Hey, at the end of the day, boys will be boys, and we’re saddened we won’t see these young men begin their lifelong journey of destroying other people’s lives by starting here at Treetops.”


Roy Aberdeen, a resident in a Michigan town that borders the resort, says he’ll miss things like seeing the parade of cars full of fraternity members making their way to the ski resort this winter.

“Well, when my [wife] Charlene said she heard the boys coming down Route 32 to Treetops every winter, I used to run to the end of the driveway to wave and welcome them to town,” Aberdeen recalled. “Of course, they would respond with things like, ‘Fuck off, old man!’ and ‘Eat shit!’ and throw two-liters full of their piss at my feet, but by God, it’s the memories you don’t forget, ya know?”

Though some have called for all Greek life to be removed from campus indefinitely, those within fraternities, including Alpha Bau Tau president, Chad Marks, say the ban is, “like, totally fucking unwarranted, man.”

“F-U-C, I-F-C!” Marks chanted from his fraternity couch, peering around in hopes other brothers would join in. “Sure, we hazed some pledges, drugged some bitches, and called an ambulance 30 times this month. You think that’s bad? Richard Spencer—a racist!—wants to speak at Michigan. Now, that’s a bad dude. Although, on a completely random and unrelated tangent, you gotta admit he’s got a pretty sweet hair cut.”

Though the term of the ban has yet to be determined, ski resorts have already banded together to form the pro-fraternity campaign, “F**k Our Lives First, Then Others,” which hopes to bring fraternity destruction to unsuspecting Ann Arbor townspeople before moving onto students at the University of Michigan.

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