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Getting Their Priorities Straight: UN Human Rights Council Investigating Shortened Sorority Recruitment As Violation Of Geneva Conventions

ANN ARBOR — The University of Michigan’s Panhellenic Association is under investigation by the United Nations Human Rights Council for a potential violation of the Geneva Conventions after shortening the University of Michigan sorority recruitment process from one month to one week.  

Citing the Third Geneva Convention adopted in 1929, the UN’s Human Rights Council stated that cramming sorority recruitment into one week violates the rights of captives during wartime.

“Part three, section one, article 21 of the Third Geneva Convention clearly states no physical or mental torture, nor any other form of coercion may be used upon captured enemy combatants,” said UN Human Rights Council President Vojislav Šuc, representative from Slovenia.  “It is clear to us that sorority recruitment is psychological warfare, and its participants soldiers: These women are lined up and herded like cattle inside strange houses by a chorus of screams and claps, then held hostage in cramped, humid basements.

“Inside their prison, they are forced to yell over each other to speak with a sorority member who will cultivate eager anticipation for the glorious sisterhood they could share in her chapter, before promptly ensuring they never return.  These horrors used to be alleviated by giving women a few days’ break between sessions, but now they must continue their suffering for eight days straight. We believe this will leave them with mental scars that can never heal.”

Antje Leendertse, Vice President of the Human Rights Council and representative from Germany, also expressed her concerns over violations of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, stating that Article 24, “specifically delineates the human right to reasonable limitation of working hours, a concept the Panhellenic Association seems to be actively mocking in this unholy scheduling nightmare.”

Members of the University of Michigan Panhellenic Association believe the new recruitment process to be more efficient and less time consuming.

“We know it can be a tough and arduous process,” said President Skylar Garrett. “But it’s much better to get the whole thing over with in one week than to drag it out for a month. And we really think it’s worth it to find your sisterhood and future home.”

“This is like saying it is better to be crushed by a rock instead of showered with sand every few minutes, just so you can have sex with a mediocre dude on a stained futon,” said Šuc when asked to comment on Garrett’s statement. “This is how stupid you sound.” 

As with every other United Nations condemnation of human rights abuses, sorority recruitment looks to continue as planned with little to no changes.  

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