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Report: Urban Meyer Rushed All Michigan Frats, Got No Bids

ANN ARBOR – According to records released by the University of Michigan Interfraternity Council earlier this week, Ohio State Football Head Coach Urban Meyer has been rushing (and has been denied a bid from) all Michigan frats annually since 2012. The documents also contained screenshots of emails Meyer sent to houses that had released him from their rush process, ranging in tone from righteous fury to desperate begging.

“Obviously those files were never meant to be leaked to the public,” said IFC Executive Board President Bernard Insalaco. “We respect the privacy of all our potential new members, and are sincerely apologetic to Coach Meyer that these details were released without his consent.

“We’d also like to take this opportunity to implore Coach Meyer to stop rushing our fraternities for a number of reasons, including but not limited to his age, the fact that he’s not a student at Michigan, his terrible coaching record, and all-around weird dad vibes.”

Many other brothers in IFC-sponsored houses echoed Insalaco’s sentiments.

A student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of stumbling his words, described Meyer’s typical behavior at rush events as “socially egregious and generally pedantic.”

Another anonymous brother said Meyer, “showed up on an interplanetary level of drunkenness, went upstairs to throw up in our president’s bed, then cried to our rush chair about how he was scared he wouldn’t get a bid again. We were gonna call the cops, but he kind of wandered out of the front door because he saw the house across the street was having a rush event too.”

Meyer’s behavior is well-known in Michigan’s Greek community, with several sororities having to physically blockade him from entering their rush lines after all of the campus fraternities fail to invite him back.

“Our house is pretty close to a couple of frats he really likes, so after they kick him out he tries to sneak into ours thinking we’re a new colony on campus or something,” said Delta Gamma sophomore, Katie Sikura. “I don’t know why the line of freshman girls on our front lawn didn’t clue him into the fact that we’re a sorority, but I’m starting to think he’s getting so desperate he doesn’t really care.”

Meyer was rejected from University of Michigan several times: as a senior in high school, a sophomore and junior transfer, and finally as a graduate student. After submitting to his fate as an Ohio State graduate, Meyer reportedly began building his career as a college football coach in order to work at Michigan, but ended up once again back at OSU.

Many students believe rushing Michigan fraternities is his last attempt to be a part of the school he so desperately loves.

“The team does not look forward to when we play Michigan,” said Ohio State quarterback J.T. Barrett. “Coach [Meyer] does a lot of crying in the bathroom during practices leading up to it. Sometimes he asks us to call him Coach Harbaugh, but we really only do it if he’s looking particularly broken that day.”

Meyer will return to Michigan to coach the Buckeyes against the Wolverines over Thanksgiving weekend. It has been reported that the IFC is hiring security guards in case he tries to break into one of their houses again.

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