Fat Tuesday has come and gone. It’s time to hang up those shiny plastic beads in the closet and get serious about becoming your best self. Even if you aren’t Catholic, giving up some sort of sin for 40 days can be beneficial and a good way to build discipline, which we all know you lack, you lazy fat ass. We know how many pączki you ate yesterday, and we are incredibly disappointed. Choose a sin and vanquish it until Easter. To help out those of you who are stuck and in need of inspiration, we went to New Hampshire and asked the 11 teen heartthrobs running for President what they are giving up for Lent. Here are their campaigns’ official answers.
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Checking my phone while eating dinner. Facebook, Twitter, Friendster, LinkedIn; they can all wait. I need to treasure the time I have left with my family. After all, it’s less than a year until I become president and less than three years until I become dead from old age.
Appletinis. A moment on the lips; forever on the hips.
Using facewash with microbeads. It’s bad for the environment, even if it keeps my skin glowing fresh and as soft as a baby’s bottom.
Diet soda. I haven’t see any convincing long-term studies supporting the safety of the artificial sweeteners used. I mean, should I really be choosing chemicals over calories? What if those chemicals ARE contributing to my inexplicable weight gain? I have been eating so healthy BESIDES the 42 Diet Cokes I drink every night, and I still don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I have to stop drinking diet soda.
Skipping my 6 a.m. SoulCycle. Why hire male models to assassinate people ahead of me on the waitlist if I’m not even going to go?
Kegels. I’ve been doing them for six weeks and haven’t seen meaningful results.
Shopping at the Abercrombie. Now that it’s cool again, I don’t want to wear it.
Jelly filled doughnuts. Chocolate glazed doughnuts. Boston cream doughnuts. Vanilla doughnuts with rainbow sprinkles. Banana. Cinnamon buns. Chocolate glazed doughnuts with vanilla sprinkles. Cheeseburgers with Krispy Kreme doughnuts as buns. Munchkins. Beignets. Are bagels doughnuts?
Flashing my tits for beads. I’ve got enough to last me for the next seven years of Mardi Gras!
Joe Biden (because he emailed us, unsolicited):
Leaving my fairy lights on all day—it wastes so much electricity. I’ve been told that I should stop calling Barack “Daddy” at important meetings, but I don’t think I’m going to stop doing that any time soon.
Carly Fiorina did not return our email.