Connect with us
Connect with us


6 Other Catastrophic Events the U Still Wouldn’t Close for

As of late, campus has been in the thick of some interesting events that probably should have seen a campus closure. However, it seems that the world could quite literally be ending and we would still have to carefully pick our way down Washington to get to class. Hand-in-hand with disastrous weather and armed hostage situations, take a peek at some unusual events that for some reason definitely wouldn’t make the U close.

6.) Kaler dies:
Everyone’s favorite Prez has gotta kick the bucket someday, but don’t anticipate getting to sleep in when he does. This does NOT count as a death in the family, so you should still type up your presentation notes like normal and go to class, just like Kaler would have wanted you to. Do it for him.

5.) Fire rains from the sky:
This is just about as apocalyptic as it can get, but that doesn’t mean the Board of Regents is going to give us a pass. It’s basically the opposite of a snowstorm. You just have to run really, really fast to avoid getting nailed by some fiery debris. Easy enough. Now that the Rec is open again due to lack of snipers on the roof, you can start training for this scenario. Good luck!

4.) Aliens invade:
The University would see this as an opportunity to broaden its cultural horizons, or whatever, so we’d get an email telling us to go outside and make a new tall green friend. This could be interesting, as long as all the ray gun beams and extraterrestrial machine gun fire can be avoided. Be prepared to reflect on this experience, due no more than 48 hours later to Canvas.

3.) Campus becomes enveloped in a dome:
A la Under the Dome or any other spooky sci-fi feature in which people can’t leave a 150-square-mile vicinity and end up going crazy and eating each other. If we all end up in some cozy bubble with nothing to do, rest assured that we will still have to work toward our degrees so that when the wall comes down, we’re ready to work for the Man like nothing was ever amiss.

2.) Mississippi River floods:
The banks are something like 40 feet high, so there would have to be some serious rainfall to cause campus to become entrenched in a watery hell (as opposed to a snowy hell). Keep an eye on Amazon kayak deals because you’re going to need one. It’s no different than buying a “required” textbook to use once, right? Probably cheaper, AND you get to use it again after campus is swept away by the furious river waters.

1.) An actual zombie apocalypse:
The shambling corpses of your former classmates and teaching staff are merely an obstacle you have to plan around to get to class, just like 2 and a half feet of black ice. Pack all necessary weapons and protective gear, along with your lunch, the night before and leave early enough to bash some heads in on your way to your midterm. Remember, if you’re late, there’s a 20% grade reduction.

Hostages, miles of snow, and rabid football fans, oh my! Recent events have shown that UMN is never going to close, no matter how active our imaginations are. Look on the bright side: at least you know you’re not losing money by not going to class.

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from Minnesota

To Top