As we touched on last week, there’s been a lot of talk around campus about how we shouldn’t keep having a building named after a racist, former UMN president. There’s a possible chance that Coffman Memorial Union could get a name change if people keep making noise. And if that happens, we have a choice selection of quality replacement names for the building:
7.) The Brown House:
Short, sweet, and simple. The building currently known as Coffman is a big brown thing. If you squint hard, it has a similar shape and size as the White House. Brown reflects the color of Gophers and the state of our university’s moral standing, so the name would be truly emblematic of the U.
6.) Prime Place Part Two:
There’s no better opportunity than this for the U to auction off yet another cultural center to the highest bidder. Because we aren’t saturated enough with apartment complexes around the U, we think that plopping another one in the center of campus, with a name that’s marginally less controversial than “Lotus Coffman,” is a swell idea.
5.) Orientation Station:
We’re tired of the tour groups and the high schoolers already. Thankfully, they’ve all seemed to congregate at CMU, ruining the Marketplace, adjacent dining room, and Grand Hall, but keeping the rest of the university relatively intact. We think highlighting in Coffman’s new name that it’s the primary designation for these swarming orientation groups, like a white blood cell engulfing bacteria, would be just swell.
4.) That Place with The Panda Express:
What other reason is there to go to Coffman after orientation, anyway? Half the people on campus call it this already, why not make it official? Make it clear that this is the place to go if you want to shovel copious amounts of cheap orange chicken directly into your bloodstream.
3.) Dinkytown Small Businesses Memorial Union:
Too soon is not soon enough here at The Black Sheep. In the wake of an ever-growing number of Dinkytown historic businesses getting the axe, we believe that we can honor their departure by memorializing them in the new name for CMU. The name has a bonus of being relevant all the way past the inevitable point that the entirety of Dinkytown is just one big Super Target and twenty apartment complexes (which at this rate will happen in about five years).
2.) Vikings LII Dream Memorial Union:
Never forget, never forgive. In an attempt to channel the eternal rage of the state of Minnesota getting cucked out of a hometown Super Bowl, we would appreciate CMU getting renamed to honor our loss. We expect a purple and yellow repaint of the building to go with it.
1.) Kaler Memorial Union:
Now we aren’t saying we expect Kaler to depart from this world just for the purpose of having a building named after him. We’re saying we expect him to fake his own death for that purpose. Like the supervillain we all want him to be, Kaler will deceive the world into thinking he perished defending the university from accountability and rise again like a phoenix as soon as the rename becomes official. Please let this happen. He’s the president we deserve.
But really, who cares what they rename it, as long as it’s not he-who-shall-not-be-named.
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