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A UMN Would You Rather?

There are few games that will make you want to punch yourself in the face due to indecision like “Would you rather?” It’s the only way to truly find out someone’s stance on things such as which Norwegian town they prefer and whether or not they would name their firstborn child after a sumo wrestler. And now, The Black Sheep is here to grace you with yet another series of crucial decisions that in no way affect the rest of your life.

 

WouldYouRather

 

1.) Would you rather lick each seat on the Light Rail or lick the man on the Light Rail who looks like a fat and greasy Hulk Hogan?

 

Either way, your tongue is already a breeding ground for bacteria, so you’re only adding fuel to the fire. The Light Rail does get sanitized every now and then, and who knows if the same can be said for this Hulk Hogan-esque man. And what better way to inaugurate the new Green Line than to put some of your DNA on it? Then again, there’s always the potential that “Hulk Hogan” will buy you dinner, whereas all you’d get is a mouth full of lint and potentially urine-laden felt in your mouth from licking the seats.

 

2.) Would you rather drink a cup of water straight out of the Mississippi River or drink a cup of cow pee from the cows on the St. Paul campus?

 

When you have to question whether urine or water is more sanitary, you know there’s a sanitation problem. Take a swig of the Mississippi and you’re probably going to have to get your stomach pumped. Take a swig of cow pee and you have to live the rest of your life trying to cope with the fact that you just drank cow pee. Pick your poison.

 

3.) Would you rather clean toilets after a happy hour at Taco Bell or clean the toilets of Centennial after Taco Tuesday?

 

No matter what, you’re going to have to experience the remnants of questionable Mexican food and will be left wondering if the brown stuff in your hair is beef or fecal matter. Taco Tuesday is a double-edged sword. On one hand you get tacos, and on the other, you have to digest said tacos. Centennial is the most frequented dinning hall on campus so everyone’s going to be bum-rushing the toilets just like the Spartans in 300. But, at least in Centenn, you primarily know you’re audience, whereas at Taco Bell, who knows what five Quesaritos will do to that 60-year-old man who hasn’t pooped in a week. Then again, Taco Bell has relatively fewer toilets than the dorms, so it really just depends on how much surface area you’re willing to tackle. Bottom line, there will be lots of poop.

 

4.) Would you rather streak through campus during a polar vortex or sit naked through an entire Psych 1001 lecture?

 

No matter what, you’re naked, which isn’t as socially acceptable as one would hope it to be. You can either risk getting frostbite on your junk or having a thousand psych majors psychoanalyze you and ask about your childhood or about the third nipple that you try to conceal. Going out during a polar vortex almost assures there will be a very minor audience if you want to maintain your reputation, or don’t want people to see that third nipple, but keeping your extremities intact is also a gamble in that situation.

 

WYR

 

5.) Would you rather wear the top half or the bottom half of Goldy’s mascot costume for an extended period of time on a 95-degree day?

 

On a scale from one to a scorching inferno, a 95-degree day in a mascot costume is the equivalent of taking six consecutive Blazin’ Wing challenges at Buffalo Wild Wings. On one side, if you choose the top half, your range of motion remains intact and tap dancing remains an option or, you’ll look like a weird gopher-human hybrid with the potential to get cast in the next low-budget independent sci-fi movie. Wear the bottom half and you’ll be a hot mess and not in an attractive way, but you’ll be able to talk more freely and try to win people over with your personality instead.

 

Isn’t life great when it’s solely made up of binary decisions? Then again, decisions are the worst, so you can always just punch yourself in the face instead.

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