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Graphs that Accurately Describe Life at the University of Minnesota


It seems that University of Minnesota students’ moods get worse as the semester goes on. Science has hypothesized that this may be because of the perpetual darkness that the godforsaken state of Minnesota seems to be plunged into every late October. This mood is interrupted for about two days by a light snowfall which soon turns into a blizzard, knocking the hope out of the cold bodies of each and every student.


Most students have what scientists like to call “no fucking clue” how they’re going to pay their college tuition. It seems that the United States government has not accounted for requiring everyone under the age of 25 to go to some kind of college for an education in order to get even the most basic jobs. The University of Minnesota is no exception, and most graduates will end up working at the Washington Ave Applebee’s, with forty-thousand dollars in student debt.


Although every motivational speaker the U of M may bring in will try to convince you otherwise, it’s been proven that positivity and hard-work do nothing to help your overall well-being. The only way to get through the day it seems, is to pray to the gods of time and space to put you in a pumpkin-spice coma until winter break comes. In a pinch, watching a freshman desperately trying to figure out how to use the gym’s hand scanning equipment will do.


Speaking of the Rec Center, it seems as though entering the the building immediately sets off a chain-reaction of self-judgment. It is hypothesized that this correlates directly with the number of no-neck douchebags, and cardio bunnies found on every level of the University of Minnesota Rec Center. Further funding has been put towards studying the effects of grunting on your ability to lift weights, but the results have been skewed by the sheer volume of noise emitted by the frat boys in the Rec Center.


Looking around the University of Minnesota campus, it has been proven that 100% of students exposing their lanyards are freshman who haven’t learned that nobody cares whether they own keys or not. The transitional phase of putting the lanyards back in their pockets, evolves during the end of freshman year, when the class has given up trying to look good. After five months wearing ten layers of coats, nobody is ready to show their pale, feeble skin, let alone their lanyards.


It seems that the college you pick when you’re eighteen years-old has a direct correlation to how fucked you are. If your not-yet-developed brain decided that you wanted to fire people, congratulations, you’re going to be fine. If you decided that your thing is a clowning show, making fun of the patriarchy, you’re fucked and should probably think about what kinds of coffee shops you want to manage for the rest of your life.


Although bed use was popular in the 1990s, since 2009 there has been a definite uptick of students sleeping absolutely anywhere. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that roommates are getting shittier or that the chairs in Coffman Memorial Union are getting more comfortable. However, there is a growing concern amongst scientists because students seem to be forgetting what sleep actually is. Scientists have hypothesized that it may be due to lack of sleep.

Are you worried your college apartment will be nicer than your adult one? Well, you’re probably right…

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