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Top 8 Reasons to Avoid UMN’s ‘Take Your Professor to Lunch’

It’s 9:05 a.m., time for your first lecture of the day. You walk in the lecture hall, see that dreamy professor of yours and think, “Wow, I have this burning desire to connect with my professor.” Newsflash: your professor probably doesn’t give two shits about you. So, how can you ever connect with that bangable teacher of yours? Well, you could take advantage of the University of Minnesota’s “Take Your Professor to Lunch” program and take your dreamboat teach out to lunch. But wait… before you do so, The Black Sheep is here to warn you about 8 ways that taking your professor to your lunch could go incredibly wrong:

8.) You might forget to cite your sources in conversation:
Teachers ALWAYS know when you don’t use MLA citations, even in casual conversation. Cite. Your. Sources. When discussing mutual hobbies, your professor won’t believe anything you say is even remotely valid if you don’t CITE YOUR SOURCES. Don’t you dare forget to make that bibliography.

7.) You might let one rip:
You feel the rumblings from deep down under as the dining hall burritos start to kick in. If you even THINK about passing that anal volcano of yours, we guarantee you will be expelled immediately. Farting in front of your professor is basically bottom blasting in front of the Queen of England – you will go to jail and most likely die.

 6.) You might spot another professor of yours:
So, things are going smoothly between you and your professor while chowing down and discussing cinematic masterpieces like The Bee Movie and Shrek 2 and – oh no. All of a sudden, your anthropology teacher of yours has spotted you having the time of your life with this other professor. How dare you cheat your anthropology professor like this? Since you didn’t ask your anthropology teacher for lunch, you will absolutely get an F in your Human Evolution class and you will never evolve into the human you aspire to be.

5.) You forget to talk in old english:
 You better start reading Beowulf now, because if you don’t speak to your professor in Old English while on this lunch date, expect them to feel so offended and belittled, they might just throw up all over your chicken patty. We mean, really, you know better than that.

4.) You accidentally call your professor “Mommy”:
…run. Seriously, take a lap and reevaluate your mental state.

3.) Your professor could bring up the optional reading assignment:
It’s happening. Your teacher mentions the optional (yet strongly suggested) reading assignment that is due today. You gulp and blurt out, “I’M GUILTY! I DIDN’T DO IT, OKAY?!!?” Your professor busts ten nuts and flips the table right then and there.

2.) You accidentally call your professor “Daddy”:
You’re fucked.

1.) You might realize this isn’t your professor:
It’s been two hours into the lunch date and it suddenly hits you: this is definitely not your professor. wait, this isn’t even a professor at all. It’s just a mannequin in a sweater vest.

Ah, jeez. Foiled again!


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