Bascom Hall is known not only for the delirious and disgusting vertical trek required to reach the infamous building, but also for the kooky pro-Badger banners that hang amongst its huge, Olympian-esqu beams. Suffice to say, the current bannerless Bascom Hall is a rare and odd sight indeed, but the oddest is yet to come. After Chancellor Blank lost a bet with rival University of Minnesota’s President Eric Kaler, Wisconsin is being forced to honor their agreement and make this year’s banners read “Minnesota Rules! Go Gophers!”
On the details concerning the bet between the universities, Chancellor Becky Blank responded: “If you learn anything from this blunder my fellow Badgers”, Blank explained in a melancholy tone, “know you should never bet a rival school’s president that you can fit 60 grapes in your mouth after you’ve had a handful of Appletinis at a Chancellors’ Convention, unless you’ve actually done it before.”
Blank then proceeded to publicly apologize for her mistakes, stating, “These are hard times indeed, and I take full responsibility for my actions that led to this inexcusable and admittedly horrifying situation”, The Chancellor said. “I want you to know I will do everything within my power to prevent those banners from dropping, or at least somehow lessen the humiliating blow served by our neighbors to the west. Regardless of what happens though, I know we will stay strong throughout and come out of this better than ever, because that’s what us Badgers do.”
Concerning this foolish bet, the surprisingly easy to get a hold of Eric Kaler, AKA President of the University of Minnesota, laughed maniacally “Blank’s always been a big talker, especially around me. She’s always talking up her school like she has to be better than me or something”, Minnesota’s president said pretentiously. “She’s not, but she seems to have a hard time accepting it. Hopefully this whole thing will teach her a lesson in humility.”
Regardless of The Secret Life of Chancellor Blank, if that is her real name, the new and very embarrassing Bascom banners are a very real issue for students this fall. Natalie Bradley is one of the many students who are quite upset over the new change of scenery on Bascom, “Bascom was once the best place to take a selfie,” Bradley whined, “Where am I supposed to take my new profile pic or Insta-selfie after I get a grande vanilla café with soy and no whip at Starbucks on a beautiful sunny day? Those revolting banners can be seen from the very bottom of Bascom! I could probably find an appropriate angle with my selfie stick where the banners can’t be seen, but it just doesn’t seem right.”
It’s truly a dark day for Badgers. The Gophers may have won this round, but if Caddyshack has taught us anything, and it very well may not have, it’s that the Badgers always come out on top.