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Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Recruits Minnesota Students

Earlier this week Homeland Security officials announced that a multitude of students have been recruited online to fight in a religious crusade. These students have been covertly trained in their “true” religion and are now planning on trolling all of those that they deem unworthy. They are young, they are dangerous, they are The Flying Spaghetti Monster Army (FSMA). The FSMA has now successfully convinced over 500 young people to join their cause. Mostly young people from the University of Minnesota; young people like Alexia Tompkins.


Alexia Tompkins is an ordinary French and English major. While Alexia has never been overtly religious, she was always extremely bothered when she would be accosted by the Jesus Aficionados (a group well-known for telling students about hell, abortion choices, and Korean BBQ). So when an interesting plate of omnipotent carbs approached her online about how to strike back, she quickly joined the cause of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.


Within weeks Alexia had drove to the holy land of the Flying Spaghetti Monster: Olive Garden. There she and a group of other religiously annoyed students fought back the only way their new religion allowed: trolling them on the internet.


“They hacked our website and changed the name ‘Jesus’ or ‘Christ’ to ‘Drake’ everywhere on the site,” said Charles Hope, the head of the University of Minnesota’s chapter of the Jesus Aficionados.


“From the homepage, all the way to the recipe section; how are people going to bake ‘Body of Christ’ vanilla wafers now? It doesn’t even make any sense; you’d think the ‘Body of Drake’ wafers would be chocolate, or like, half and half!” Charles whined. The vicious hacking was followed by a video of the radical group mocking the Aficionados while enjoying unlimited breadsticks. The message bellow is a transcription from their video.


“We felt that when people were thinking of a really cool, meaningful, Jewish guy (who happened to be black) that they weren’t thinking of Jesus, they were thinking of Drake; and now thanks to us, so will everyone be members of the ‘Drake Aficionados!”


Drake has yet to comment on the change on the website or the increase in “Body of Drake” vanilla wafer recipe downloads. This wasn’t the last time the FSMA would strike down religious types; more and more students have been flocking to the Olive Garden. With the group’s radical message and unlimited breadsticks, the FSMA has loyal U students by the hundreds.


With ads in both the Daily and The Black Sheep, students all over campus are hearing their message. Because plenty of people read The Black Sheep (tell your friends). With their message of “Leave me alone you damn religious lunatics,” the group has risen to ironic heights. The U’s religion department is considering creating a class on the cult of the FSMA: Intro to Sarcastic Religious Studies. The local Olive Garden is being renamed the Temple of Olive Garden and a new holiday for the group is in the works.


Despite their quick growth, the FSMA is still working on trolling anyone whose beliefs are too aggressive. Their numbers are rising steadily, credited mostly to their now-famous Body of Drake vanilla wafers. We can only hope that the irony doesn’t go full circle and they start aggressively recruiting people…

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