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Coffman Installs Countdown Clock to Spring Break to Torture Us All

This past weekend, Coffman Memorial Union installed a large grandfather clock next to the entrance of the bookstore with a single hand counting down the moment when spring break officially begins on the University of Minnesota campus. Why? To torture us all, that’s why. 

The clock looks slightly different to every student who sees it, as each of them will be momentarily freed from academia at different times in the weekend approaching March 12. The clock’s hand also moves slower or faster depending on the student’s current activities.

For instance, it moved much faster during this past weekend for most students, as weekends are never long enough, but the hours between 8 and 5 on Monday slithered along at a snail’s pace. Anytime a student is asleep, of course, the clock hand will rocket to the next morning, as will it when you’re pulling an all-nighter to finish that goddamn paper for your midterm.

When a student looks at the clock hand leading up to their midterms, the clock will barely move at all, locking them in a seemingly perpetual midterm hell with no hope for escape. However, the class time dedicated to the midterm will be over in less than a second according to the clock, leaving students with no idea of anything they just wrote.

The hand will also vary from student to student when it comes to hours spent studying versus partying. Parties will fly by in an instant while studying will drag on bit by bit. Unfortunately, this is going to make sure many students spend as much time doing activities like partying, sleeping, and avoiding studying at all costs in the hope that the clock will move faster. While this will bring them closer to spring break, The Black Sheep is predicting that this will cause at least a 10% uptick in how many students fail their midterms.

One thing that will stay consistent with each student’s view of the clock hand is that it will move much faster for everyone on campus on days when the weather hasn’t decided it wants to wreak havoc on our souls. However, on days that we creep closer and closer to negative degrees, the clock’s hand will move at negative miles per hour.

School officials originally predicted that the clock will be at its slowest in the week before spring break as the black hole that is school mercilessly clings onto its students until the sweet, sweet release of the clock hand reaches freedom.

However, many students have taken to staring at the clock between classes with their dead zombie eyes, praying for spring break and the release from the bitterly cold, annoyingly academic campus. This is the moment when each person’s clock is at its absolute slowest.

Coffman has already seen six accidents of students getting mowed down as they stare at up at the clock begging for the hand to move, oblivious to everything around them but especially the actual clock telling them that their class is starting.

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