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6 Minnesota CLA Majors, Explained By Dads Who Are Very Disappointed In You

Your dad is very disappointed in you for choosing a useless Minnesota CLA major. He knows that you will graduate into a failing job market with no tangible skills, but he’s gruff and manly, so he won’t say it to you like that. Instead, he’ll take out his feelings of failure as a father on you, the way real men did back in the day.

5.) German, Scandinavian, Dutch:

“This major is for socialists who are too stupid to write books in English. They teach you all about the evils of capitalism and how taxes are ‘necessary’ for the survival of a sovereign nations. Not only that, but they fill your head with ideas about how you should learn a language that isn’t English. I’ll bet they don’t teach you that English is the official language of the air, stupid socialists.” — John

4.) Astrophysics: 

“If, instead of working hard in high school like your mother and I told you to, you chose to smoke the devil’s lettuce underneath the bleacher’s while your Harvard-bound brother made his 5th touchdown that game, this is the major for you. You could have done something productive in high school and gone to a good school, but NO, now you want to clean up your act and go into astrophysics for the pussies who didn’t get into CSE. Good luck getting any real job in science with your Bachelor of Arts.” — Daniel

3.) Urban Studies: 

“The closest you’ve gotten to ‘urban’ is the one time we got lost in Paris and ended up in a middle-class neighborhood with three cigarette butts on the ground. You drive a Subaru and have a trust fund, stop pretending that this major is going to connect you to real people. If you really want to study urban life, don’t ask me for food money this week.” — Richard

2.) Music: 

“They have to call it a BMus because if they didn’t, it’d be a BM, which stands for bowel movement, because your major is a piece of shit.” — Allen

1.) Biology, Society, and Environment, BA: 

“Here’s an honest question for you: how do any of these things relate? What, are you going to learn how flu shots work, how to give out flu shots, and how flu shots are going to destroy the environment? That’s the only example I can think of. This major is for people with loose morals who are bad at decision making. Pick one, like everyone else.” — Tim

1.) Russian, BA:

“Damn commies.” — Ronald

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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