A new poll has discovered that the opinion pieces written in the Minnesota Daily have been incredibly influential in the lives of tens of people. Consumers of the local student newspaper have repeatedly sobbed through numerous video messages of thanks to the writers, praising them for their intelligence and sensitivity when speaking to tough subjects.
“You’re telling me that the 2016 presidential election is going to be divisive?” sputtered Jim Nettly in an emotional video. “Oh, my god, thank you. I could never have come to that conclusion without your opinion piece.”
The Minnesota Daily has received almost one award for their journalistic integrity over the past two years and is hoping to continue their winning streak. With 100 percent real, well-thought-out, un-ironic headlines like “New U Body to Decide on Sex Offenses,” this newspaper has the credentials and attention to detail that the city of Minneapolis so desperately needs.
The Minnesota Daily even features a love advice column written by the mysterious Dr. Date. This twenty-year-old doctor of philosophy knows exactly what you should do with your relationship, and is reported to have a fantastic love life himself (when he’s not confined to his basement, furiously scribbling garbage advice on Domino’s pizza boxes).
With trustworthy advice columns like Dr. Date, it’s no surprise that the daily has a tremendously influential opinion section.
“Wow, I should toss my twenty-plus years of life experience in an intellectual trash can because this eighteen-year-old knows what’s up,” said reader Cole Grimley. “I’m immediately swayed by an impersonal article in a student newspaper.”
Student writers for the daily are taking on tough, complex topics like “is rape bad?” and “should we be less racist?” Although there are some that criticize the simplicity of the opinion section, it seems that there are people who need constant reminders of how to be a decent human being.
“Oh, yeah. I was totally gonna write a YouTube comment with a racial slur, but after I read that opinion piece in the Minnesota Daily, I just wrote ‘nice juggling’,” droned twenty-four-year-old, undeclared U of M student, Pierce Beers. The clown in the juggling video also sent a heartfelt thanks to the Minnesota Daily for halting Pierce’s digital reign of terror.
The Minnesota Daily has had so much recent success, that it’s to be printed nationally. The newspaper is even to be featured on cable television, in CNN’s new segment called “Please, College Students, Tell Us What to Do.”
This segment is specifically directed toward baby boomers who don’t hear enough from millennials about what they’ve done poorly.
“I can’t wait for someone one-third of my age to give me their informed opinion,” exclaimed seventy-year-old Trump supporter, Herb Yells. “I’m sure my fifty years of prejudice and hatred will evaporate once I read about the opinions of an anonymous college student attending a public university.”