“Suck on my Vaporeon’s water gun, Snorlax,” president Kaler screamed into his new smartphone. The President stood next to the Weisman Art Museum for over five hours during the first day of classes, desperately trying to win the Pokémon Gym located there.
The University of Minnesota President has recently acquired Pokémon Go (as per the suggestion of a slacking, eighteen-year-old intern in the University’s marketing division) in order to be more “hip” on campus. Since the acquisition of the popular app, President Kaler has done nothing for the University. This has been no change, however, as Kaler seems to get the same amount of work done playing Pokémon Go, as he does actually trying to do anything in the first place.
Since the game’s download onto the president’s phone, campus security has been playing, on and off, using Kaler’s account. The goal is to acquire every gym on campus. Some have hailed the recent Pokémon takeover as a tyrannical, imperial regime.
“Playing Pokémon Go is not even fun anymore,” said Alec Fischer, a student with way too much time on his hands. “Now, instead of wandering onto private property looking for fictional creatures with my face glued to my phone, I actually have to put knowledge in my brain. Kaler is such a bully!” The disappointment expressed by Fischer has been a shared emotion for most of the die-hard nerds on campus.
For all who have enlisted to fight for President Kaler, including the colleges’ Deans, Campus Security, and all the Washington Ave Dairy Queen employees, the battles and tedious hours spent tapping furiously at a screen have been worth it.
“Its better than just walking around,” said Campus Security Chief, and recently appointed head of the Pokémon Club, Bill Weatherly, “Plus we get free ice cream while Dairy Queen’s open. Nothing soothes a troubled mind like a Reese’s Cup Blizzard.”
A rebel alliance, calling themselves the Pokémon Go-phers, have recently made themselves known by capturing the coveted Female Statue Gym next to the Rec and Wellness Center. In a bold show of defiance, the Nidoking placed on the Gym by the Go-phers was named “Fuckyou Kaler” and has been amped up to 3000 CP.
A statement released by the rebel group read as thus:
We aren’t the heroes you asked for, we aren’t the heroes you’d expect. We’ve lived in your shadows for years, with our thumbs twiddling on our retro Gameboy Colors. Like our Gameboy’s, we have many colors. You used to find us inside of closed lockers, but, unlike those lockers, our minds are open. We refuse to be silenced. Show us what you’ve got, Kaler. Because, freedom, I choose you.
“These kids don’t know who they’re messing with,” responded Kaler, “My power knows no bounds. While they’re studying for their useless degrees, I’ll be doing what I do best: Not doing my job while hopelessly trying to relate to a younger generation.”
The on-campus Pokémon Go war that has followed the rebels statement has led to a divide among students. Some students agree that President Kaler has a right to the gyms, as it is his campus. Other students have sided with the Pokémon Go-phers and are catching Pokémon in order to join the cause. However, the majority of students have responded with not giving a shit about a stupid, virtual game.
Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out: